âMen are starved for genuine relationships.â
This is from Pastor TJ, our bivocational pastor, civil engineer, and father of three children. He is explaining the why behind designing a 6-month-long menâs group, also known as Menâs Koinonia at Ekko. According to a story done by The Boston Globe, the biggest health threat facing middle-aged men isnât smoking, obesity or even cancer.
Itâs loneliness.
Isolation.
Pastor TJ explains, âOur relationships get cut off as we pursue the American dream of career and family. We are too busy to invest time in relationships⊠As a result, we try to battle all our problems on our own.â
âItâs a setup for disasterâwhat can be termed the sinkhole syndrome.â
As a civil engineer by day, one of Pastor TJâs responsibilities is recognizing the risk of actual, physical sinkholes and preventing them from swallowing buildings, peopleâs homes and streets. While we wonât get into the details of itâthough, you can ask him more about how sinkholes form and what he does about them Mondays through Fridaysâthe sinkhole syndrome he is describing is something we often see in the headlines exposing scandals involving spiritual leaders and even with Biblical figures like King David and Bathsheba.
It is when someone appears externally stable, perhaps even successful and spiritually healthy, but internal temptation or disaster triggers a breakdown in character and a decimation of self, family, trust and faith.
Like in the natural world, spiritual sinkholes form when years of compounded neglect, compromise and isolation dissolve the foundation beneath the surface. And in a moment, it has the potential to destroy everything in sight.
âWe have to prepare ourselves so that we can live full, abundant lives. Lives where we can have people that we trust and can count on. We have to become men strong enough to withstand the storms of life and resist temptation so that we can see through Godâs vision for our lives.â
Eric, an Ekko member and youth department leader, tells us that the first isolating factor in his life happened during the transition from singlehood to marriage. He found himself growing detached from the group of friends he had established and was becoming disillusioned in regards to finances, calling and vocation. This only led him deeper into isolation.
Though he was in seminary at the time, nothing was working out. The hopelessness of his situation started to settle in as he watched his peers advance and develop in their careers. All the while, his family was growing, and Eric started to feel the insurmountable pressure to provide.
The foundation beneath his life seemed to give way.
As a newlywed, Eric describes the âdebilitating insecurityâ he began to experience. âI had an immensely deep sense of shame and failure, to the point where I would continually short-circuit myself with bad decisions.â His misdirections began to affect what he did at church, his friendships, and most of all, his then-recent marriage.
In 2015, Eric started meeting with a group facilitated by Pastor TJ twice a month. The meetings began to form a ârhythm of graceâ to their lives in a structure that facilitated vulnerability, accountability and movement toward restoration. Slowly, they were able to invite one another as allies in the journey and editors for their stories. They began to empower one another to live with integrity and clarity, and their meetings became a safe place where they could share their successes, failures, struggles, hopes and dreams without fear or judgment.
“We were able to lay down all the false pretenses that we put up to make ourselves measure up to everyone else.”
When he reflects on those meetings, Eric explains that there weren’t any âbigâ or notable breakthroughs.
Instead, he describes it as âsmall, almost imperceptible movements where at the end of it, I found that I didnât want to do self-destructive things, and I wanted to work on my marriage.â
Since then, Eric has found his vocation as a teacher. He and his wife, Rachel, have a young daughter and a newborn son together. He has learned how to be a more honest and loving husband and a more faithful and obedient follower of Jesus. Though he still is not near where heâd like to be, he says, âI can honestly say these meetings helped set up my 30s with the consistency, purpose and joy that I am currently enjoying in life. Even if you havenât arrived at the end of the six months, you have clarity that you are working toward a specific goal.”
At Ekko, Menâs Koinonia provides the space for the men in our house to build up relationships to journey through life together. So that when temptations or disaster or disillusionment come, our men will be empowered and embedded within healthy constellations of relationships, upon a strong foundation of trust, vulnerability and integrity.
Menâs Koinonia began in the spring. As a body, letâs pray for our brothers and fathers in the house as they meet intentionally over the next several months. Letâs pray that this helps create patterns honesty and grace in their lives.
When we allow men the space to grow with one another and with God, Pastor TJ writes, âWeâll have men that are secure in who they are because they will be in groups where they are accepted and loved. And that security will lead to freedom for the entire church.”