Have you ever met your friend’s new boyfriend or girlfriend and thought, “What are you doing?” or even looked back and thought to yourself, “What was I thinking?”
The truth is, love is not blind. Lust is blind.
So we need a clear, but necessary, manual in finding the right partner as a Christian. In order to set the foundation for a relationship that is founded and informed by the Gospel of Jesus Christ, we need two things.
Because some day you’re going to have to love this person. You will have to submit, sacrifice, and selflessly care for this person. And you’re going to want to trust that they will submit, sacrifice, and selflessly care for you too.
How do you know that this person can do that?
We have to look for what God looks for.
“GOD told Samuel, ‘ Looks aren’t everything. Don’t be impressed with his looks ad stature. I’ve already eliminated him. GOD judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; GOD looks into the heart.'” (1 Samuel 16:7 MSG)
First thing we have to look for: A Spiritual friend, a Companion.
Many times, we confuse compatibility with companionship. We assume that the compatible person is the right person for us. Couples that have similar hobbies or interests are nice, but it doesn’t guarantee a godly marriage.
Sometimes, the best godly couples are very incompatible in the things they enjoy.
“Compatibility is an achievement of love; it shouldn’t be its precondition.”
— Alain De Botton
Compatibility is a blessing, but not always a necessity or a marker of godliness.
Companionship is what we really need.
Aelred of Rievaulx describes three different types of companionship, friendship, this way:
“Let us call one friendship carnal, another worldly, and the third spiritual. The carnal is created by a conspiracy in vice, the worldly is enkindled by hope of gain, and the spiritual is cemented among the righteous by a likeness of lifestyles and interests.”
“You and I are here, and I hope that Christ is between us as a third.”
This is what it should feel like in your dating season: Christ is between you, involved in every step.
The second thing you need to look for in a potential mate: Equally-yoked.
This comes from Paul in 2 Corinthians 6:14, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”
To better understand the idea of being equally yoked, we have to enter the imagination of 1st Century Palestine. The image they would get would be of two bulls carrying the burden of the yoke on their shoulders, together, in unison, pulling the heavy plow, working the field together.
In the time of Jesus, taking the yoke of the rabbi reflected a disciple’s willing submission and adherence to his rabbi’s interpretation and application of the Old Testament Scriptures.
This is the interpretation, application and the way of life prescribed by the Rabbi.
- Equally yoked then means that the two share an equal, similar, weight, and desire and willing submission to Jesus’ teachings and ways.
- Equally yoked also means the willingness to submit to the level of commitment the other has to their master. (e.g. I am going to be equally yoked with you in doing the Keto-life, I too will abide by its ways, its philosophies, its prescribed way of eating and living.)
Imagine a farmer trying to plough with two unequally yoked cows. Let’s not frustrate the Lord and His will for our lives.
Question to ask if you’re considering each other’s churches:
- “Am I willing to submit to the yoke of that house?”
- “Can I submit to the pastor of that church?”
- “Would I welcome it if my kids were pastored here“
- “Can I submit to the mission of this/that church?”
- “Am I willing to give of my time, talents, and tithe to that church?”
Your passion to carry the yoke together must be one. Like one bull carrying the yoke. That’s being “equally yoked”. Your marriage could not only frustrate you, but it could derail the mission of God for you and your life.
Here are some lies we tell ourselves:
- “This person will change when we get married.”
- “Marriage will solve a lot of our troubles.”
- “I can fix this person.”
- “We will be equally yoked after marriage.”
- “Being equally yoked is not as important as the Bible says.”
As Pastor Bryan notes, “The quality of love for God should be similar, but the expression of that love can be different.” Some people might raise their hands in prayer, others might not. That doesn’t always indicate their intimacy with God. We need to use discernment and practice wisdom. Invite friends and loved ones in the process. Ask for their input.
For the singles wanting and waiting for a companion in God, here is a prayer Pastor Bryan would like to bless you with.
“Father, I pray for every person here longing to be with someone special someday.
Help us to see with your eyes. Not to be so easily impressed with what the world says to value but to look for what you value; a heart after you.
Help us to become a submissive, sacrificial, selfless person today. Teach us to be like Jesus now so that we can be prepared to offer ourselves to our future spouse in Christ-like love.
Help us to become a godly companion to others today as we trust in you to provide for us a godly companion in our future spouse.
Help us to be yoked with Christ and His Teachings and to find others who want to be yoked in the same way.
Help us to make the most of our singlehood for the glory of God. Grant to us the blessing of looking back with no regrets, for we want to spend our singleness on you and what you care about.
Help us to fall so desperately in love with you, so preoccupied with you Jesus, that it will be a surprise to us when our future spouse arrives.
Help us to trust you by trusting the Body of Christ and their involvement with my relationships. I give you permission to lead me by speaking through the Body of Christ.
I trust you, I will wait for you, I will submit to you and your timing. As for me, I declare, you are my fountain, You are the lover of my soul, now and forever.
Amen.”
You can listen to the sermon I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For from the Ephesians series that inspired this post here.
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