I Was Seen for Me

Esther wears a genuine smile and carries a rootedness that appears to co-exist in contrast to the experiences she tells me of: the daily rejection and years of failure. With her backpack perched on her small frame, she looks like she could be a student herself, but from across the table, with her hands cupped around her drink, she exudes a steadfastness that is timeless.

When she was growing up, Esther didn’t envision herself as an on-campus missionary, chasing after distracted college students and ministering to them. During her own college years, she had been on track to be a medical professional. “More specifically, I wanted to be a healer,” she says. “But my heart for college students began to grow as I experienced Jesus as a healer for myself.” Esther found a passion germinating for the students she encountered at the clinics she volunteered at. As she learned about their lives—their struggles, their dreams—she found herself trying to figure out how to journey with and minister to them.

As a dedicated UCLA InterVarsity member, Esther began to pray about positions in campus ministry as she prepared for graduation. God answered her by closing doors to urban student ministries all around Los Angeles. “When the option came to intern at the InterVarsity Irvine chapter, I went kicking and screaming,” she grins. God was asking her to trade her service in the gritty streets of LA for the pristine, manicured grasses of a luxurious Orange County suburb. “Sometimes following Jesus doesn’t always look a certain way,” she says.

And so she went.

In her first several years as a team leader for Irvine’s InterVarsity chapter, Esther’s ministry was in stasis. Only three students joined in two years. The students she felt called to serve dragged their feet in reaching out to others.

The ministry had become narrow-minded.

Fellowship became uninviting and stale.

There was a scarcity of leaders.

Even after many years of preparation, prayer, and affirmation, the very thing that God seemed to have prepared for her was withering in her hands.

“It was like trying to ignite damp logs,” she says, recollecting those years.

Fear began to fester. “You are failing,” it whispered as she approached students on campus. “Nothing will ignite here,” it breathed over her as she ministered to the students on UC Irvine’s campus. Disappointment and rejection met her at each corner, classroom, and cafe.

“Finally, at a meeting I encouraged the students to go to a different on-campus ministry, and everyone left. Only five stayed.”

At the same time her ministry was fading, Esther began to attend Ekko at the recommendation of a friend. Esther had just started at UC Irvine and had no other roots in Orange County. Ekko became a place of solace, a place where she was encouraged—and oftentimes forced—to take off her ministry hat. From the beginning, Pastor Bryan told her, “Come here to rest.”

When people at church asked her how she was doing, her reaction was to respond with a more palatable report on how her ministry was doing or how many people she had helped lead to Christ that week. Her instinct was to reassure them that she was still relevant through the work that she was doing on campus. “It was hard. It felt like ministry identified me.” But when leaders and editing friends pressed deeper, asking her again, “How are you doing?” over and over, the body encouraged her to peel off the armor she carried on her shoulders. The church affirmed to her she was loved for who she was and not for what she could or could not produce.

“It wasn’t about what I did or accomplished,” Esther continues. “I was seen for me.”

Photos by: Michelle J. Kim

“When people think about ministry, they have a certain definition of success,” Esther explains. The temptation is to measure success through the number of people you bring to Christ or how many ministries or groups you’ve led. But Ekko helped Esther change her perspective.

“What if it isn’t the conversion that marks success? What if we could love someone so well that they could see Jesus through us?”

The church taught Esther how to defy the principles that tell us otherwise; this life, this mission, it’s not just for us—it’s for everyone.

Some things can only be learned in the wilderness, only in the face of our greatest fears. Esther learned of God’s unconditional love and acceptance through community by being in a position where she could not boast in her own calling or success. Through the experience of a dissipating ministry, of failing at what God had given her, of struggling in what she felt created to do, Esther learned that she is loved for who she is and not what she constructs or contributes. And in the process, she became a burning ember that could not be snuffed out.

While Ekko expanded, so did her chapter at UC Irvine. Ekko’s rhythms shaped her, and in turn, her ministry grew—as separate entities but in parallel. The five students who stayed the night she encouraged her students to leave would graduate and become leaders at Ekko. Over the course of eight years, her ministry began to thrive and grow to cover UC Irvine and Orange Coast College (OCC). She would walk countless students to Jesus’ feet, leading many to a relationship with Him.

Despite the failures and heartache that came with frequent denials and campus apathy, Esther partnered in God’s dream for her and the body to love the students in her sphere. Over the years, her heart learned to break for the students He loves so dearly: The students who seem to have it all figured out, those who grew up in safe neighborhoods and with food on their lips.

“People who appear perfectly put together need God.”

With every “no” she pivoted, and she tested new ways to connect with people and students. She walked with people to class, she listened carefully, she played games… she even summoned the courage to learn slang.

“There is a unique opportunity on campus. The field is your mission. The harvest is plentiful—Jesus is right. We need to ask God to open our eyes…” she adds. “We don’t know if people are hurting. But think of when God met us. Just as we have a perception we try to upkeep, others are too.”

Photos by: Michelle J. Kim

It’s been eight years now since she has started this journey. In Esther’s story, the truth in James 1 is made evident: that the testing of faith produces perseverance. While she has led numerous students to Christ, she laughs as she says, “I failed a lot. I made a lot of mistakes. I’m still making mistakes even now. But with enough failure and experience, you can take that anywhere you go. You know how to love Jesus and love others… you know that Jesus is with you wherever you go. You learn to trust God in the moment.”

“Ekko reminds me that God has made me well, that I’m His daughter, and He’s with me.”

If you’d like to partner with Esther as she ministers to students in Orange County, you can support her here.