Author: Ekko Church

Anger, when left untreated, robs us of our focus, our joy, our strength and our sense of peace. When it is left unattended and unaddressed, it usually oozes out of us in sinful behaviors or leads us to make stupid decisions.

It leaves us frustrated and full of guilt, and sometimes makes us irritable and filled with rage.

Paul writes to the Ephesians this, “In your anger, do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry and do not give the devil a foothold…Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:26-32 NIV)

In The Angry Christian: A Theology for Care and Counseling by Andrew Lester, he describes anger as the “physical, mental and emotional arousal pattern that occurs in response to a perceived threat to the self, characterized by the desire to attack or defend.”

Anger is a natural response to when:

• we are denied what we feel we are owed,
• when our desires or personhood are dismissed,
• we are put in a disadvantageous position,
• our wants are delayed,
• we feel disrespected,
• our reputation is damaged
• our sense of security or safety is in danger. 

Anger is a symptom. It in it of itself is not a sin, and that is why Apostle Paul says clearly, “in your anger, do not sin.”

Most of us eventually get to a place of forgiveness, when the anger has quelled to a manageable level. Some of us even get to reconciliation or forgiveness. But the problem is that we often have casualties along the way. We make a mess, we hurt others in our anger. We end up sinning against God, others and ourselves.

This is why untreated anger can often become a problem.

Krista Tippit says, “Anger is how pain shows itself in public.”

Here are some unhealthy & sinful things we do in our anger:

Repression & Suppression  | This is our attempt to avoid the pain

 Andrew Lester explains, “Denial and suppression are not the answer. Anger cannot be banished from our lives, but needs to be accepted as a potential spiritual ally, learned from, and used in the service of love. Bringing the anger to conscious awareness is essential, for anger that remains below the conscious level is more likely to be expressed destructively rather than constructively… People who attempt to eradicate the experience of anger by repression or suppression become mentally or spiritually truncated.”

Dump it on Innocent Bystanders | This is our attempt to share the pain

Lester continues, “Another common way to express anger is to dump it on an innocent object or person. A door is kicked, or a child is slapped, or a spouse is chewed out. The injustice felt by spouses, children, and partners who serve as substitute targets contribute to many broken relationships. Untold numbers of children have carried into their adult lives a wounded identity and a deep-seated rage over the injustice of being substitute targets for destructive parental wrath, whether it is expressed physically or through silence and withdrawal.” 

Create a Monster out of the Person | This is our attempt to kill the pain

We create monsters of people we are angry with by slandering them, casting doubt on their intentions, ruining reputations. 

Nag the Heck out of the Person | This is our attempt to control the pain

Of nagging, Lester explains, “Destructive anger in relationships can be expressed in many ways… Nagging, or “fussing,” is an attempt to force people to act in the way we want them to act. Nagging is actually an impotent expression of anger because its very use communicates the nagger’s feeling of helplessness at making the other person change behavior. Both the nagger and the “naggee” know that no change is really expected. “I’ve told you a thousand times…” or “How many times have I told you…?” are statements that reveal this sense of powerlessness.”

Anger is not the problem, the problem is the problem.

Garret Keizer writes in Rebecca DeYoung’s book, Glittering Vices, this of anger: “My anger has more often distressed those I love than it has afflicted those at whom I was angry. And my anger has not carried me far enough toward changing what legitimately enrages me.”

Anger is a symptom or a sign.

So how do we not sin in our anger? How do we stop the devil from getting a foothold?

Accept and acknowledge that this anger is yours and yours alone to fix and change. As Henry Cloud advises in his book, Boundaries, we are responsible for our own feelings. We must re-embrace the boundaries in our lives and take our feelings back from others.

Pillow Fight: Take a pillow and shout into it. Yell whatever you want to say and cuss at it. This provides a cathartic expression to purge whatever is in your heart. A sense of compassion generally replaces the anger, allowing you to pray for that person. It also prevents you from slandering and dumping it on innocent bystanders.

Exam Paper: For self-examination, keep an anger journal.

Don’t slander. As Christians, we should practice the art of “charitable explanations,” as Alain de Botton writes.

“A functioning society requires love and politeness… by love I mean the capacity to enter imaginatively into the minds of people with whom you don’t immediately agree… and to look for the more charitable explanations for behavior which doesn’t appeal to you and which could seem plain wrong…” 

We can let go of control because God Himself has put our sins and trespasses behind his back.

We see this beautifully expressed on the cross. As our Savior hung on the cross for our sins, He remains full of compassion.

Jesus was able to find a charitable explanation for their behavior. Forgiving them not on the basis of their merit, but in the faith of the resurrection. He did not let his anger lead him to sin. 

Pray this with us this week:

Lord, in my anger, 

Help me to see the pain that lies beneath. 

Help me to not make a mess along the way. 

Lord, in my hurting,

Help me to forgive as You have forgiven me. 

Teach me to love as You love me. 

Amen.

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You can listen to the sermon Anger and the Mess along the Way from the Ephesians series that inspired this post here.

More Sermons on the topic of Anger:

Don’t Be Killin’ People (Command 6)

I Don’t Need a Cain Anymore, I Can Walk!

You Look the Same, You Haven’t Changed a Bit

Don’t Gossip & Slander (Command 9, Part 1)

Thank God It’s Not All About You

I Have Been Forgiven Enough to Forgive You

All images and materials are copyright protected and are the property of EKKO Church unless otherwise noted and credited to their maker. Please do not copy or distribute without permission.

In last week’s sermon, “Platoon”, we learned that in order to mature in the Lord and develop a healthy fear of the Lord, we need a peloton around us.

But often, we don’t know what kind of friends we should have or should be.

Three Don’ts When it Comes to Getting a Peloton

• Don’t gather a “Bad Peloton”, instead, get a Good Peloton together: “Do not be deceived: Bad company ruins good morals.” (1 Corinthians 15:33 ESV)
• Don’t covet other pelotons, instead start seeing the peloton God gave you as valuable: “…having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3 NIV)
• Don’t just study together, instead submit to one another’s views and gifts: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21 NIV)

Instead, let’s focus on what kind of friend we should be to others and who we should have in our pelotons.

In his book, 11:Indispensable Relationships You Can‘t Be Without, Len Sweet talks about the 11 types of friends you should have in your life.

The two we want to focus on today are the Editor and Encourager (Nathan and Barnabas).

Nathan, the Editor

Nathan’s name means “a gift from God,” and he was a court prophet for King David. Len Sweet says that having a Nathan draws you into deep reflection and repentance.

It is Nathan who reprimands and convicts King David for committing adultery and murder. (2 Samuel 12:1-7).

The Lord sent Nathan to David. When he came to him, he said, “There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor. The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought. He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children. It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms. It was like a daughter to him. Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him.” David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this must die! He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.”

Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man!”

Much like David, we don’t have self-awareness. We need people who will expose us to truths that we want covered up. Len Sweet writes how a Nathan is not accusatory, but expository.

“Nathan is less about pointing a finger than parting a curtain.”

Because the truth is, we are worse than we think and better than we think. But we don’t know that truth about ourselves by ourselves.

“Then David the king went and sat before the Lord.” (1 Chronicles 17:16)

Nathan is an Editor because he/she is helping you get back to your True Voice, back to the narrative God has intended for you to live. A Nathan in your life says essentially, “This isn’t who you are, you aren’t ____. You need to snap out of it, sit before the Lord and consider your ways.”

“Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ…” 

– Ephesians 4:15

In order to become a Nathan, we must build truth and respect and learn to love our friends and want the best for them.

But the reason we might not have Nathans around us is because we don’t want to be a Nathan to our friends. We often care more about harmony than holiness.

Barnabas, The Encourager

The name Barnabas means “Son of Encouragement,” and comfort (Acts 4:36). He is first mentioned in Acts when he sells his land and gives the entire profit to the apostles for the sake of the gospel. He was also Paul’s missionary companion.

Len Sweet describes Barnabas this way, “Barnabas is an encourager, not an embalmer. Some people will embalm you in flattery. That’s not Barnabas.”

A Barnabas:

• Cheers and celebrates. Doesn’t compete with you
• Co-labors
• Is compassionate toward your pain, struggles and weariness
• Calls you and is thinking of you.
• Calibrates you back to God’s will and reminds you of who you are.

“One of my spiritual friends has been in my face and by my side.”

– Klaus Issler

In order to grow into the head, which is Christ, we need both confronter (Nathan) and a comforter (Barnabas). Or as Pastor Bryan illustrates, the two hands of friendship: The Fist and the Palm

Together, may we “grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every join with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.” (Ephesians 4: 15-16)

Pray this with us this week:

For those of us who feel alone, may God provide us friends to comfort.

For those of us who are unknowingly proud, may God provide us friends to confront.

For those of us who are surrounded, may God be glorified in our friendship.

And may we all grow up into Christ, our Savior.

Amen.

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You can listen to the sermon In Good Company from the Ephesians series that inspired this post here.

All images and materials are copyright protected and are the property of EKKO Church unless otherwise noted and credited to their maker. Please do not copy or distribute without permission.

In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, he reminds us rather pointedly, that God wants us to mature: “… so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.” (Ephesians 4:4)

Peter O’Brien explains in his book The Letter to the Ephesians that spiritual children are “unstable, lacking in direction, vacillating and open to manipulation… Like small, rudderless boats, they are tossed back and forth by the waves and driven this way and that by prevailing wind… various religious philosophies which threaten to undermine or dilute the apostolic gospel.”

So why do we remain like “children”?

Pastor Bryan explains that we are often unable to become strong and mature in the Lord, because we don’t curate and cultivate Gospel-Centered friendships.

We refuse the Body of Christ.

Much like children, we say, “I can do this myself,” before spilling a cup full of juice all over our laps.

O’Brien continues: “The use of the plural ‘children’ (with its implications of individualism) stands in contrast to the one ‘mature person (manhood)’ who is a corporate unity.”

Or, in simpler terms, there is no such thing as a mature Christian. There is only a mature Church.

We cannot mature by ourselves, for ourselves. It takes a body, a tribe, to be mature in Christ.

So God’s cure for immaturity, our weak and rudderless realities is: A Tribe and a Team of Leaders.

Spiritual Friends are the cure to our weak faith in Christ.

Aelred of Rievaulx breaks down friendships into three categories: Carnal, Worldly, and Spiritual. He writes, “Let us call one friendship carnal, another worldly, and the third spiritual. The carnal is created by a conspiracy in vice, the worldly is enkindled by hope of gain and the spiritual is cemented among the righteous by a likeness of lifestyles and interests.”

“You and I are here, and I hope that Christ is between us as a third.”

— Aelred of Rievaulx

So how do we know if our friendships curve toward carnal or worldly? There are a list of descriptions that have been adapted from Joanne Jung’s book The Lost Discipline of Conversation that help us to determine if our friendships are ones that will help us mature in Christ—or won’t.

• Less reading and studying the Bible. 
• Less memorizing Scripture. 
• Less seeking God. 
• Less spending time with other believers. 
• Less interest in those outside the faith. 
• Less thinking and understanding of biblical truths. 
• Less praying for others in and outside the church. 
• Less praying in a group with other Christians. 
• Less confession and asking forgiveness of God.
• Less conviction toward obedience to God. 
• Less involvement in church responsibilities and ministries. 
• Fewer significant relationships with Christians. 
• Fewer conversations with Christians. 
• Less attending worship services.
  
  

In order for a friendship to be spiritual, it must be disciplined and intentional. Which means, if we want to grow, we must curate and cultivate gospel-centered friendships.

We need a peloton.

A peloton is a group of riders formed during a cycling race to help the rider in the center win for the whole team. They practice together, they are of one mind and hope. The job of the peloton is to surround one rider to reduce wind drag and help the main rider have enough energy to finish the race strong.

No matter how strong a single rider is, they cannot win on their own. They must ride with a peloton.

So instead of asking, “Who are my friends?” We need to start asking, “Who is in my peloton?” And: “Whose peloton am I in?”

Pelotons consist of your mentors and spiritual friends. They are the ones who make sure you’re not “carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning or by craftiness in deceitful schemes…”

“The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.” (Proverbs 12:26 NIV)

At EKKO, we have several Pelotons that are designed to help you mature in Christ.

How to start a Peloton:

1. Initiate and DTR (define the relationship): You need an initiator or a “planter,” someone who can help define the relationship (ex: “This is a 6-week peloton.” “This is a Mom-Peloton.” “This is a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Peloton.”)
2. Exercise and Practice: Be clear about expectations and commitments. Create a rhythm of meetings. Gather around a book, Bible, devotional. Create drills, disciplines, habits to do together and practice. Be prepared to share assignments.
3. Confess and Celebrate: Be vulnerable and open up. Tell stories. Share prayer concerns and praise reports. Worship together and pray together. Serve and eat together.

Pray this with us this week:

One Lord, 

One Faith,

One Baptism. 

We are of one body and one spirit. 

With one Hope, 

One Race, 

Toward our God, the Father of All. 

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You can listen to the sermon Platoon from the Ephesians series that inspired this post here.

All images and materials are copyright protected and are the property of EKKO Church unless otherwise noted and credited to their maker. Please do not copy or distribute without permission.