Author: Ekko Church

Most people are often surprised at how hard marriage really is once they get married. Dissatisfaction or frustration arises as most people enter into covenant under-prepared and untrained.

This usually happens, because we have an unrealistic view of marriage.

Alain De Botton explains that as a society, “We are collectively a great deal more interested in a beautiful wedding than a tolerable marriage.”

We put so much effort and planning into an immaculate ceremony, but not nearly enough into the preparation of the actual marriage. So, we need to prepare ourselves properly for marriage, to possess a theological vision of it and to carefully pick a suitable partner for life.

How do we prepare for marriage? According to Ephesians 5:21-32, we have to be prepared to:

• Submit (listen, obey and learn) to our spouse
• Give ourselves up and make sacrifices
• Cheer, celebrate and coach our partner’s growth in godliness
• Help our mate accomplish their mission in Christ
• Love our spouse like we love ourselves
• Feed and care for our spouse
• Leave our families and cleave to our spouse
• Amplify the Good News through our union
• Respect our spouses and see Jesus in and through them

Essentially, when we get ready for marriage, we must be ready to bless and give our best all the time for the rest of our lives.

What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?

— Gary Thomas

Does your spouse anger you? Annoy, frustrate, change their minds too quickly? Are they too emotional, too unemotional, too proud, too much of a victim, too touchy, not touchy enough, listens poorly, talks too much…etc?

How you respond to these “unbecoming” qualities is how you develop your love in Christ. Because marriage isn’t designed for your happiness. It’s designed to foster holiness, so you’ll always “marry the wrong person.”

Because happiness isn’t the goal, it’s the result of a godly one.

Jesus says it this way in the book of Matthew, “I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives His best – the sun to warm and the rain to nourish, to everyone, regardless: the good and the bad, the nice and the nasty.”

“Grow up. You’re kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.”

Marriage offers us the chance to grow up and love like Jesus loves. When your spouse gives you a hard time, do you respond with the energies of prayer? Do you give your best despite them being nasty—or only when they are being nice?

We need a theological vision for our marriage: There are two main visions that we have of our spouse: Toddler vs. Treasure.

Toddler love is based on what the person can do for us: How does this person make me feel. What does this person do for me.

This vision is based on a high value of self-satisfaction and generally exhibits a low tolerance for pain.

Viewing your spouse as a treasure is a love that is based on the belief that this person is a worth the risk and the pain. It’s being able to say, “Despite all the rough patches of dirt, I see treasure in you.”

So how do we cultivate this kind of heart and love for our spouses and our loved ones?

We pray.

“I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf and give thanks for them.”

— 1 Timothy 2:1 NLT

We can pray for our spouses because Christ is our inspiration and our example.

Because He first showed us how this selfless and self-sacrificing love looks on the cross: He inspires us to submit our selves to the other, to give of ourselves and make sacrifices. To cheer and celebrate our growth, to help us accomplish our mission, to love us to the point of death. To care for us, to leave Heaven for our sake. To amplify God in our union with Him and to treat us with the utmost respect.

“We love, because He first loved us.”

Pray this with us this week:

When I am blinded by the field,

Give me eyes to see the treasure. 

In those of whom I love, 

Because You first taught me how.

So I’ll find You in their faces,

I’ll look for You in the field. 

Because You are the treasure I seek.

And You are the treasure in me. 

---

You can listen to the sermon Leave and Cleave from the Ephesians series that inspired this post here.

All images and materials are copyright protected and are the property of EKKO Church unless otherwise noted and credited to their maker. Please do not copy or distribute without permission.

Recommended Books:

The Meaning of Marriage

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail

Sermons:

“Marriage as Ikon” from the Genesis Series

“Matchmaker” from the Genesis Series

Liturgy for Work

Pray these prayers to help center you in His presence as you work to worship God and serve others through your work.

For the Beginning of the Day:
“Establish for me the work of my hands.” – Psalm 90:17

For Midday:
“Love God with all your heart, soul, mind; and love your neighbor as yourself.” – Matthew 22: 37-40

For the End of the Day:
“Cheerful, No Matter What.
Prayerful, All the Time.
Thankful, For Everything.
Amen.”
– 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (MSG)

Work at its worst is like a necessary evil in this life. We need to work to pay the bills, and often we work with people who we might not necessarily get along with. Sometimes, we even view work as a barrier to our best life.

Often we leave the highs of Sundays and meet the reality of Monday mornings. We often question: What do our menial jobs have to do with being a Christian? How do I find meaning in my job? Do I have to work in the ministry or at a nonprofit to find fulfillment?

In Ephesians 6:5-8, Paul writes for us to work wholeheartedly at our jobs, but what if our jobs are unfulfilling and feel purposeless?

Some of us just want to get to the weekend so we can do what we want or get to the important stuff in life.

But when we work for the weekend we are left feeling unhappy and discontent during the work week – and ultimately in our lives.

Some of us find our status and worth in our work. We work for significance and security.

But when we work for status, we are left feeling dissatisfied, because there will always be someone better than us. We are trapped in a cycle of competition and envy.

The problem is: We have a distorted view of work and it’s purpose. Without God-given purpose to work, what Paul is saying to the slaves and to us just sounds cruel. How can we work wholeheartedly to something we find no meaning in? 

What are we missing?

In Genesis, we read that God bless the first couple and charged them to: fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground… The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.” (Genesis 1:28; 2:15)

From the start, the world God created wasn’t a perfect, pristine, piece of nature. Eden was a world that needed to be tamed into something hospitable for life. It needed to be filled out. Creation needed to be named.

God made man and woman to rule and to continue what God started.

To be human is to fill the earth with culture, with civilization, with computers, technology, cuisine, art, science. 

We were created in God’s image to work: to take the raw materials of the land and make it into something beautiful and useful and to take care of the earth, (which we’re currently not doing a good job at) meaning that work was always a part of our DNA and design. We were actually created to make things. Paul reiterates this in Ephesians: we were created in Christ Jesus for good works.

Good works are not just religious work or humanitarian work, but also the work we do in your field and industry.

The way God provides for, protects, and nourishes us, is through each other’s vocations.

If you’re an accountant, how do you glorify God?

By being the best accountant you can be so that your organization is being a good steward of their finances helping the mission of the organization. 

If you’re an artist, you glorify God by being the best artist you can be —magnifying the beauty of God by being stewards of awe and wonder.

If you’re a stay at home parent, you glorify God by being the best parent you can be, because that too is God-given, dignified, important work.

If you’re a manager or boss, you glorify God by treating your employees with dignity and giving them a fair wage. Not ruling over them with fear, but with grace and kindness.

The way that we are the hands and feet of Christ to our world is when we do our jobs with love and when we do our jobs well. Work is a part of how we love our neighbors. Our work is our ministry and all that ministry means is service unto the Lord.

How we serve others in our work is an indication for our love and worship for God.

Here’s the plan:

Advance Your Field: In order to work wholeheartedly, we do so by advancing our field. We should be fully engaged and focused at work to do the best possible job we can because the work we do is the same as serving God. (Ephesians 6:5-6)

When you are focused on the mission and good work of your company, you will also be able to celebrate the advancement of your coworkers, not compete or envy them. You’ll even be able to celebrate your boss. Because the goal is not self-advancement but the advancement of the work itself. We’ll be less concerned about our position and more concerned about its quality.

Adjust Your Attitude: The attitude we should have when we come to work each day is the same attitude we come to church. Where we come with the intention to glorify God and to serve others.

“Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people, because you know that the Lord will reward each one for whatever good they do, whether they are slave or free.”

Everything you do unto the Lord is going to count towards eternity. 

Abide with Christ: When we go to work, the Body of Christ is scattered, but we still carry within us the presence of God. We should anticipate Jesus the same way we do when we come to church.

---

You can listen to the sermon The Work of Our Hands from the Ephesians series that inspired this post here.

All images and materials are copyright protected and are the property of EKKO Church unless otherwise noted and credited to their maker. Please do not copy or distribute without permission.

Recommended Books:

Garden City: Work, Rest and the Art of Being Human

Every Good Endeavor: Connecting Your Work to God’s Work

Sermons:

Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho, It’s Off to Work We Go!  (Numbers Series)

Behind the Mask (Numbers Series)

In the Kiln with Christ (Genesis Series)

Good Work, Fruitful Worship, True Wealth (Prayers for the Pilgrimage)

Servant Leader, Servant Worker (Ephesians Series)

Anger, when left untreated, robs us of our focus, our joy, our strength and our sense of peace. When it is left unattended and unaddressed, it usually oozes out of us in sinful behaviors or leads us to make stupid decisions.

It leaves us frustrated and full of guilt, and sometimes makes us irritable and filled with rage.

Paul writes to the Ephesians this, “In your anger, do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry and do not give the devil a foothold…Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:26-32 NIV)

In The Angry Christian: A Theology for Care and Counseling by Andrew Lester, he describes anger as the “physical, mental and emotional arousal pattern that occurs in response to a perceived threat to the self, characterized by the desire to attack or defend.”

Anger is a natural response to when:

• we are denied what we feel we are owed,
• when our desires or personhood are dismissed,
• we are put in a disadvantageous position,
• our wants are delayed,
• we feel disrespected,
• our reputation is damaged
• our sense of security or safety is in danger. 

Anger is a symptom. It in it of itself is not a sin, and that is why Apostle Paul says clearly, “in your anger, do not sin.”

Most of us eventually get to a place of forgiveness, when the anger has quelled to a manageable level. Some of us even get to reconciliation or forgiveness. But the problem is that we often have casualties along the way. We make a mess, we hurt others in our anger. We end up sinning against God, others and ourselves.

This is why untreated anger can often become a problem.

Krista Tippit says, “Anger is how pain shows itself in public.”

Here are some unhealthy & sinful things we do in our anger:

Repression & Suppression  | This is our attempt to avoid the pain

 Andrew Lester explains, “Denial and suppression are not the answer. Anger cannot be banished from our lives, but needs to be accepted as a potential spiritual ally, learned from, and used in the service of love. Bringing the anger to conscious awareness is essential, for anger that remains below the conscious level is more likely to be expressed destructively rather than constructively… People who attempt to eradicate the experience of anger by repression or suppression become mentally or spiritually truncated.”

Dump it on Innocent Bystanders | This is our attempt to share the pain

Lester continues, “Another common way to express anger is to dump it on an innocent object or person. A door is kicked, or a child is slapped, or a spouse is chewed out. The injustice felt by spouses, children, and partners who serve as substitute targets contribute to many broken relationships. Untold numbers of children have carried into their adult lives a wounded identity and a deep-seated rage over the injustice of being substitute targets for destructive parental wrath, whether it is expressed physically or through silence and withdrawal.” 

Create a Monster out of the Person | This is our attempt to kill the pain

We create monsters of people we are angry with by slandering them, casting doubt on their intentions, ruining reputations. 

Nag the Heck out of the Person | This is our attempt to control the pain

Of nagging, Lester explains, “Destructive anger in relationships can be expressed in many ways… Nagging, or “fussing,” is an attempt to force people to act in the way we want them to act. Nagging is actually an impotent expression of anger because its very use communicates the nagger’s feeling of helplessness at making the other person change behavior. Both the nagger and the “naggee” know that no change is really expected. “I’ve told you a thousand times…” or “How many times have I told you…?” are statements that reveal this sense of powerlessness.”

Anger is not the problem, the problem is the problem.

Garret Keizer writes in Rebecca DeYoung’s book, Glittering Vices, this of anger: “My anger has more often distressed those I love than it has afflicted those at whom I was angry. And my anger has not carried me far enough toward changing what legitimately enrages me.”

Anger is a symptom or a sign.

So how do we not sin in our anger? How do we stop the devil from getting a foothold?

Accept and acknowledge that this anger is yours and yours alone to fix and change. As Henry Cloud advises in his book, Boundaries, we are responsible for our own feelings. We must re-embrace the boundaries in our lives and take our feelings back from others.

Pillow Fight: Take a pillow and shout into it. Yell whatever you want to say and cuss at it. This provides a cathartic expression to purge whatever is in your heart. A sense of compassion generally replaces the anger, allowing you to pray for that person. It also prevents you from slandering and dumping it on innocent bystanders.

Exam Paper: For self-examination, keep an anger journal.

Don’t slander. As Christians, we should practice the art of “charitable explanations,” as Alain de Botton writes.

“A functioning society requires love and politeness… by love I mean the capacity to enter imaginatively into the minds of people with whom you don’t immediately agree… and to look for the more charitable explanations for behavior which doesn’t appeal to you and which could seem plain wrong…” 

We can let go of control because God Himself has put our sins and trespasses behind his back.

We see this beautifully expressed on the cross. As our Savior hung on the cross for our sins, He remains full of compassion.

Jesus was able to find a charitable explanation for their behavior. Forgiving them not on the basis of their merit, but in the faith of the resurrection. He did not let his anger lead him to sin. 

Pray this with us this week:

Lord, in my anger, 

Help me to see the pain that lies beneath. 

Help me to not make a mess along the way. 

Lord, in my hurting,

Help me to forgive as You have forgiven me. 

Teach me to love as You love me. 

Amen.

---

You can listen to the sermon Anger and the Mess along the Way from the Ephesians series that inspired this post here.

More Sermons on the topic of Anger:

Don’t Be Killin’ People (Command 6)

I Don’t Need a Cain Anymore, I Can Walk!

You Look the Same, You Haven’t Changed a Bit

Don’t Gossip & Slander (Command 9, Part 1)

Thank God It’s Not All About You

I Have Been Forgiven Enough to Forgive You

All images and materials are copyright protected and are the property of EKKO Church unless otherwise noted and credited to their maker. Please do not copy or distribute without permission.