Author: Ekko Church

Therapists often tell Pastor Bryan:

“Pastor Bryan, I wish couples would go through counseling before they get engaged. Often by the time they get to me they have grossly overestimated their ability to build a good foundation for marriage. And they often get married due to the wedding ball already rolling…” 

Essentially, they are confirming what Alain De Botton says in “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person”:

“We are collectively a great deal more interested in a beautiful wedding than a tolerable marriage.”

So some wisdom to consider in this dating season from Benjamin Franklin: “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

We need to date wisely and well, in order to prepare ourselves properly for marriage.

This season, before you even meet your future spouse, should be done intentionally and well. This is the season to prepare. To “know your broken places,” and to “sow and tend” to the garden with Jesus.

In Galatians 6:7-8, it says it like this: “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.”

How do we date wisely and well?

Train Your Eyes: Train your eyes to see as Christ sees the world and His people—especially those of the opposite sex.

Because how you see matters and shapes your whole life — and it shapes how you see your partner.

“The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness.”

— Matthew 6:22-23 NIV

Jesus said this in between his statements about treasure and money. In context, He is saying, how we view money will determine how we use it and how it uses us.

But this truth can be applied to our relationships as well.

Relationships—like “money”—is a tool to bring glory to God and loving kindness to others. We are blessed with relationships to be a blessing.

Hence, we need to “see” our partners as someone we will serve God with and not someone we will “use.”

Some of the common views we see the opposite sex:

• Men often struggle with a “commodified” view of women
• Women often struggle with a “comfort food” view of men

Both skew our vision of seeing the Other.

Both carry the same unhealthy and selfish mantra:

“You exist to make me feel better.”

But this is contrary to the call in Ephesians. In marriage, we are called to be a blessing to our spouse. We are called to submit to the other.

When we have our eyes trained to see our partners as the potential for satisfaction, then you will have a hard time submitting and serving them.

For the men of EKKO:

In Job, it says, “I made a solemn pact with myself never to undress a girl with my eyes.”

Jessica Rey explains what happens to the brain when we lust:

“Brain scans revealed that when men are shown pictures of scantily clad women, the region of the brain associated with tools, such as screwdrivers and hammers, lit up. Some men showed zero brain activity in the medial prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that lights up when one ponders another person’s thoughts, feelings, and intentions.  Researchers found this shocking because they almost never see this part of the brain shut down in this way… ‘It’s as if they are reacting to these women as if they are not fully human. It is consistent with the idea that they are responding to these photographs as if they were responding to objects, not people.’”

Remember, we must see other people as treasures, not the potential source for satisfaction and happiness.

The second thing is to talk with your peloton.

Talk to those you respect and trust for their input, advice and opinion.

“Stupid people always think they are right. Wise people listen to advice.” (Proverbs 12:15 GNT)

But why don’t we ask?

Andy Stanley explains:

“One of the primary reasons we don’t seek counsel from the wise people around us is that we already know what we are going to hear — and we just don’t want to hear it.” 

So who are the wise people in your life?

Invite and involve them.

The wise person has not—and does not—always agree with your choices.

Ask: “Is this a wise thing to do?”

Thirdly, third-wheel with Jesus.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

— Matthew 6:33 ESV

In this season, you should be busy serving God for His kingdom.

It is your calling to cultivate your relationship with God at each step in your life.

You’re called to planting God’s kingdom here on earth. At each stage of your life, you need to learn to obey and overcome certain temptations and dig deeper to build intimacy with Him.

Pastor Bryan’s version of the Triangle of Love: The triangle is made by two ladders. And each rung represents steps of obedience.

As you climb this ladder, you learn how to serve, learn how to pray. Seek first the kingdom of God by stepping on each rung, asking God at each stage: “What garden do you want me to cultivate at this stage of my life.”

Climb this ladder. Trust that God is preparing that person for you as you seek first His kingdom.

Tend to your garden with Jesus, so that when your spouse comes into the picture, they will be the third-wheel to your relationship with God.

The opposite of this is living “parallel lives,” described by John Gottman.

Parallel living happens when you are together, but living side-by-side. This one way that we destroy a marriage: when one or the other lets go of their relationship with God in pursuit of safety or career…

There’s nothing holding you together.

So the third-wheel is not you or God… the third-wheel is your spouse.

Make the most of your singleness and give it completely to His service.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

— Ephesians 5:21

These are the years you develop and foster a reverence for God.

Pray this with us this week:

Step

By

Step 

I am listening for Your voice. 

I will go where You go. 

Step 

By 

Step

You are my first love, 

You will be my last. 

Amen.

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You can listen to the sermon We’re Dating, Now What? from the Ephesians series that inspired this post here.

All images and materials are copyright protected and are the property of EKKO Church unless otherwise noted and credited to their maker. Please do not copy or distribute without permission.

Every loving and godly couple wants to submit to, love and respect one another. But the problem is: often we haven’t developed godly characteristics that would make it easy for our spouse to submit, love and respect us.

We need to better prepare ourselves for marriage.

So how do we prepare to be someone who is easy to submit to, love and respect? We need to cultivate three characteristics in ourselves for our future spouse.

First thing we need: Humility

Humility means becoming a person who is not impressed with themselves and their accomplishments but interested and invested in God and Others, so that they can be worthy of respect, safe to submit to, and easier to love.

In Ephesians 4:2, Paul says to “be completely humble.”

We need to practice and position ourselves as a student: to cultivate the heart of a student that will bless our future spouse.

Here are some tangible markers of a humble person:

• Not easily offended when corrected. 
• Has accounts (stories) of being corrected and adjusting actions and attitudes due to corrections. (or are you a, “No one corrects me” kind of person?)
• Teachable and correctable. 
• Quiet-life. (works hard, listens well) 
• Celebrates others. 
• Is not overly critical. 
• Usually satisfied in life due to constant gratitude. 
• Patient. 
• Can ask for help. 

“… Don’t be arrogant… Don’t think that you are smarter than you really are.” 

— Romans 12:16 (GWT)

The second thing you need: Honesty

Honesty is becoming a person who is full of integrity and character, loving God from the inside out, so that they can be worthy of respect, safe to submit to, and easier to love.

“Since, then, we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything—and I do mean everything—connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life – a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you. What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body, we’re all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.” (Ephesians 4:22-25 MSG)

In Korea, construction for the Grand Olympic Bridge began in 1985 and it was meant to be finished for the Seoul Olympic Games in 1988. But the bridge was not completed until 1990, because the bridge collapsed. When they investigated the cause, many of the crucial elements of construction had been rushed through or skirted, in order to try and meet the deadline.

The appearance and the presence of the bridge were more important than the integrity of the structure.

Marriage is like this.

You can’t fool your spouse.

The weight of marriage and its demands will eventually expose the lack of integrity in the foundations of your life.

Don’t cheat yourself during these years of singlehood, don’t take short cuts, instead build godly habits, a life of inner devotion to Christ.

Honesty means being authentic. It is not “confessing” in order to pout and give up. Nor does it mean: “I will confess that I am living a lie and be true to myself, that I simply do not really believe and it’s hard to follow God.”

That’s not truth-telling, it’s a cop-out.  

“…we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything – and I do mean everything – connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it!” – v22

Honesty means to get rid of everything that makes you a liar. 

Honesty is the fruit of constant repentance and realignment to God’s Ways.

Questions to Ask of Yourself: (adapted from Quaker Queries)

• Am I fully submitted to Christ?
• Is my heart for God increasing or decreasing?
• What is keeping me from becoming an honest follower of Christ?

Marriage is also like surviving a mission to Mars.

Behavior scientists researching dynamics of groups isolated for long periods of time, found in the Human Exploration Research study, that every good group needs a leader, a social secretary, a storyteller, and an equal amount of introverts and extroverts.

But the most important role each group needed for their survival was the clown.

So the third characteristic is humor.

“Intriguingly, by far the most important role seems to be that of the clown… the clown is not only funny, he is also smart and knows each member of the group well enough to defuse most of the tensions…”

— The Economist, “The Problems of Flying to Mars”

Edwin Friedman in his book, Generation to Generation, writes about how humor is needed to quell anxiety.

“Seriousness is more than an attitude; it is a total orientation, a way of thinking embedded in constant, chronic anxiety. It is characterized by lack of flexibility in response, a narrow repertoire of approaches, persistent efforts to try harder, an inability to change direction, and a loss of perspective… 

Families (or couples) that evidence such seriousness are as if surrounded by volatile fumes of anxiety, and any small incident can cause a flareup. They will always assume that it was the incident that created the problem, but it is the way they relate and think that gives any incident its inflammatory power. 

The antidote to seriousness is the capacity to be playful, which is not to be equated with making jokes… What gives to any playful response its remedial power is its relational affect and not its cleverness. This notion of playfulness has less to do with ‘one-liners’ than with the concept of flexible distance; it has less to do with good ‘come-backs’ than with the ability to distinguish process from content.”

• Humor helps create enough distance to see the ecosystem that is causing the problem.
• Humor helps defuse the emotional bombs that will create new problems further distracting those involved from the ecosystem that created the problem in the first place. The godly spouse absorbs anxiety and churns out an atmosphere of hope.
• Humor helps drown out negative and fearful imaginations and creates a space for new ideas and innovation and an openness to hear new perspectives. 
• Humor helps disengage with the tense situation at hand through the spirit of playfulness long enough for the body to calm itself down and recalibrate itself for better, smarter, more creative ideas to flow. 
• The humorous spouse is the spouse who has been deeply dependent on God and has developed through a life of prayer a mellow heart and hopeful outlook on life. 

Let’s pray:

Lord, you can start with me. 

Teach in me, humility. 

Construct in me, honesty. 

Cultivate in me, humor. 

That I may be more like You. 

That I may love like You.

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You can listen to the sermon Am I What You’re Looking For? from the Ephesians series that inspired this post here.

All images and materials are copyright protected and are the property of EKKO Church unless otherwise noted and credited to their maker. Please do not copy or distribute without permission.

Have you ever met your friend’s new boyfriend or girlfriend and thought, “What are you doing?” or even looked back and thought to yourself, “What was I thinking?”

The truth is, love is not blind. Lust is blind.

So we need a clear, but necessary, manual in finding the right partner as a Christian. In order to set the foundation for a relationship that is founded and informed by the Gospel of Jesus Christ, we need two things.

Because some day you’re going to have to love this person. You will have to submit, sacrifice, and selflessly care for this person. And you’re going to want to trust that they will submit, sacrifice, and selflessly care for you too.

How do you know that this person can do that?

We have to look for what God looks for.

“GOD told Samuel, ‘ Looks aren’t everything. Don’t be impressed with his looks ad stature. I’ve already eliminated him. GOD judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; GOD looks into the heart.'” (1 Samuel 16:7 MSG)

First thing we have to look for: A Spiritual friend, a Companion.

Many times, we confuse compatibility with companionship. We assume that the compatible person is the right person for us. Couples that have similar hobbies or interests are nice, but it doesn’t guarantee a godly marriage.

Sometimes, the best godly couples are very incompatible in the things they enjoy.

“Compatibility is an achievement of love; it shouldn’t be its precondition.”

— Alain De Botton

Compatibility is a blessing, but not always a necessity or a marker of godliness.

Companionship is what we really need.

Aelred of Rievaulx describes three different types of companionship, friendship, this way:

“Let us call one friendship carnal, another worldly, and the third spiritual. The carnal is created by a conspiracy in vice, the worldly is enkindled by hope of gain, and the spiritual is cemented among the righteous by a likeness of lifestyles and interests.”

“You and I are here, and I hope that Christ is between us as a third.”

This is what it should feel like in your dating season: Christ is between you, involved in every step.

The second thing you need to look for in a potential mate: Equally-yoked.

This comes from Paul in 2 Corinthians 6:14, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”

To better understand the idea of being equally yoked, we have to enter the imagination of 1st Century Palestine. The image they would get would be of two bulls carrying the burden of the yoke on their shoulders, together, in unison, pulling the heavy plow, working the field together.

In the time of Jesus, taking the yoke of the rabbi reflected a disciple’s willing submission and adherence to his rabbi’s interpretation and application of the Old Testament Scriptures.

This is the interpretation, application and the way of life prescribed by the Rabbi.

• Equally yoked then means that the two share an equal, similar, weight, and desire and willing submission to Jesus’ teachings and ways.
• Equally yoked also means the willingness to submit to the level of commitment the other has to their master. (e.g. I am going to be equally yoked with you in doing the Keto-life, I too will abide by its ways, its philosophies, its prescribed way of eating and living.)

Imagine a farmer trying to plough with two unequally yoked cows. Let’s not frustrate the Lord and His will for our lives. 

Question to ask if you’re considering each other’s churches:

1. “Am I willing to submit to the yoke of that house?” 
2. “Can I submit to the pastor of that church?” 
3. “Would I welcome it if my kids were pastored here“ 
4. “Can I submit to the mission of this/that church?” 
5. “Am I willing to give of my time, talents, and tithe to that church?”

Your passion to carry the yoke together must be one. Like one bull carrying the yoke. That’s being “equally yoked”. Your marriage could not only frustrate you, but it could derail the mission of God for you and your life.

Here are some lies we tell ourselves:

1. “This person will change when we get married.” 
2. “Marriage will solve a lot of our troubles.” 
3. “I can fix this person.” 
4. “We will be equally yoked after marriage.” 
5. “Being equally yoked is not as important as the Bible says.” 

As Pastor Bryan notes, “The quality of love for God should be similar, but the expression of that love can be different.” Some people might raise their hands in prayer, others might not. That doesn’t always indicate their intimacy with God. We need to use discernment and practice wisdom. Invite friends and loved ones in the process. Ask for their input.

For the singles wanting and waiting for a companion in God, here is a prayer Pastor Bryan would like to bless you with.

“Father, I pray for every person here longing to be with someone special someday.

Help us to see with your eyes. Not to be so easily impressed with what the world says to value but to look for what you value; a heart after you. 

Help us to become a submissive, sacrificial, selfless person today. Teach us to be like Jesus now so that we can be prepared to offer ourselves to our future spouse in Christ-like love. 

Help us to become a godly companion to others today as we trust in you to provide for us a godly companion in our future spouse.

Help us to be yoked with Christ and His Teachings and to find others who want to be yoked in the same way.

Help us to make the most of our singlehood for the glory of God. Grant to us the blessing of looking back with no regrets, for we want to spend our singleness on you and what you care about. 

Help us to fall so desperately in love with you, so preoccupied with you Jesus, that it will be a surprise to us when our future spouse arrives. 

Help us to trust you by trusting the Body of Christ and their involvement with my relationships. I give you permission to lead me by speaking through the Body of Christ. 

I trust you, I will wait for you, I will submit to you and your timing. As for me, I declare, you are my fountain, You are the lover of my soul, now and forever.

Amen.”

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You can listen to the sermon I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For from the Ephesians series that inspired this post here.

All images and materials are copyright protected and are the property of EKKO Church unless otherwise noted and credited to their maker. Please do not copy or distribute without permission.