Godly Parenting, Pt. II
When we neglect our roles as parents, our children grow up to an “un-blessed” life. They are left angry, resentful and exasperated.
Our role as parents is to serve our children. (See John 13:1-17)
We are called to wash their feet, just as Jesus did for His disciples.
We serve our children by:
- Meeting their needs
- Meeting them at their stage
- Helping them find their way
We serve our children by meeting their needs.
Our children have many needs, but the primary ones we want to focus on are concentration & consequences.
Our children need our concentration, meaning, they will face doubts and serious questions about their faith, and they will need someone to talk to about them.
According to a study, over 70% of churchgoing high schoolers report having serious doubts about their faith, but less than half share these with an adult or friend.
It is not doubt that is toxic to faith; it is silence.
— Fuller Youth Institute
Our children also need consequences.
In Proverbs 23:13, it is written: “Don’t be afraid to correct your young ones; a spanking won’t kill them. A good spanking, in fact, might save them from something worse than death.”
“Wise discipline imparts wisdom; spoiled adolescents embarrass their parents.” (Proverbs 29:15 MSG)
“A refusal to correct is a refusal to love; love your children by disciplining them.” (Proverbs 13:24 MSG)
Our children need the Lion and the Lamb in us as parents.
We serve our children by meeting them at their stage.
According to Kara Powell of Fuller Youth, children ask three ultimate questions throughout their lives.
- Who am I? – Identity
- Where do I fit? – Belonging
- What difference to I make? – Purpose
In the “Who am I?” Stage, our children need us to be the Storyteller.
We must rehearse your stories of family, of the tribe and of the gospel. So that they can answer this question with, “I am part of God’s Story.”
“I am part of God’s story.”
In the “Where do I fit?” stage, our children need us to be a Door.
A door to your community and church.
One of the ways we do this as parents is actually by allowing them to individuate, so they can discover and embrace this faith and community as their own. It allows them the room to go from, “Who am I?” to “Who are we?” This is maturity.
We invite them to our communities by initiating them via ceremonies.
“All societies use rites to demarcate transitions in life.”
— Anthropologist Arnold van Gennep
For example, the Mexican Quinceañera is a rite of passage for 15-year-old girls, a passage from girlhood to womanhood.
For example, in the Three-Act Rites of passage, in the beginning (separation), a young girl will begin by wearing a headpiece. In the middle (transition) she exchanges the headpiece for a tiara. At the end, she is reincorporated into community, with the tiara signifying her identity as a princess before God.
Essentially through the ceremony, the individual learns that as they detach from their current status in the group, they experience the transition in changes of appearance and behavior to represent transformation, and finally they return to be recommitted into a new role and new set of principles and expectations.
At the end of this stage, we want our children to answer the question of “Where do I fit?” with, “I am part of God’s Family.”
“I am part of God’s Family.”
Finally, to the third question our children will ask, “What difference do I make?” we must be their Yoda.
They need someone to help them discover their passions, skills, and rewards. To meet them at this stage and help them find their purpose in time.
To answer this question with, “I am part of God’s Purpose.”
“I am part of God’s Purpose.”
As parents, we are preparing our children to be arrows to be sent into the world for God’s purpose.
“Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hands.” (Psalm 127:3-5)
Our children are not our assets. They are arrows.
They are like Angry Birds being sent to destroy the strongholds of the enemy.
We are to be our child’s benediction. We are to send them into the world reminding them of who they are, where they belong, and what their purpose is. Like a pastor to a congregation, a benediction launches the church back into the world as an arrow for God.
We are our child’s first pastor.
May they hear and feel our benedictions over their lives as we prepare them to be shot into the world.
You can listen to the sermon Godly Parenting, Pt. II from the Ephesians series that inspired this post here.
All images and materials are copyright protected and are the property of EKKO Church unless otherwise noted and credited to their maker. Please do not copy or distribute without permission.
Godly Parenting, Pt. I
Apostle Paul writes to the church in Ephesus that they must make every effort to stay united in the Spirit and bound together in peace.
In our mini-series on marriage, we talked about how we need to stay united in our marriages because they are signposts to what God is going to do in the renewal of all things. (You can listen to that sermon here)
For the same reason, parents must be united with their children.
The problem is we often view our children through an unbiblical lens. We either see them as “dumpsters” or “golden calves”.
Dumpster View: Our children are unfortunate recipients of our “junk.”
Paul Tripp describes in his book, Awe: Why It Matters for Everything We Think, Say, and Do, children learn to become “emotional weathermen,” watching carefully and adapting to the emotional forecasts that swirl around them.
When parents don’t learn to control their own emotions and rather dump their junk onto their children, the children must learn to adapt to these inconsistent emotions and learn to “read the weather” of their parents.
They become emotionally driven and behaviorally controlled.
Golden Calves: Our children are unfortunate recipients of our “worship.”
We view our children as golden calves when we make them our idol.
An idol is anything that we try to supplement with Jesus in order to attain a semblance of security or hope.
It can look like this: Jesus + (_____) = My Happiness
We can learn if our children are idols when we ask this question: Who is orbiting who?
When the parent’s time, money, relationships orbit around the child, the child becomes the “sun”.
But we are called to train our children to orbit around God and His ways.
These unbiblical views and expectations actually exasperate our children.
In Ephesians 6, it’s written, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
When we neglect our role as parents, our children will have an un-blessed life. And as a result, they are left angry, resentful and exasperated.
So what is our role as parents?
Scripture says, “Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.” (Proverbs 1:8 NIV) and “Train up a child in the way he should go. Even when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6 NASB).
Thus, a godly parents’ role is to be a Trainer, Instructor, and Teacher of the Christ-way.
First, we train by being a practitioner of the Way.
As parents, we are the first view of authority, of power, of God to our children. They see what God looks like, feels like, sounds like through us as their parents.
Our role as parents is to be the best disciple of Jesus so that our children will be encouraged to do so as well.
“…parents still carry the most important weight in their kids’ faith development. This is true not only in childhood but also through adolescence. Research continues to affirm that the best predictor of a young person’s faith is the faith of their parents.”
— Kara Powell
“And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” – Deuteronomy 6:4-9 NLT
We must be intentional at being disciples of God and being an active student to the ways of Jesus. We must “commit wholeheartedly these commands.”
We instruct by being a praying parent.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes, “The entire day receives order and discipline when it acquires unity. This unity must be sought and found in morning prayer… decisions, demanded by work (and parenting) becomes easier and simpler where they are made not in the fear of men (of kids, mistakes or being a bad parent) but only in the sight of God.”
We need to pray.
But oftentimes, we might not know how to pray or what to pray for. We curated and crafted 31 prayers for parents to pray over their children.
You can download the PDF of the 31 Prayers for Parents here.
We teach by passing on the Lord’s teachings to our children.
In Malachi it says that Fathers need to turn their children’s hearts. “Look, I am sending you the prophet Elijah before the great and dreadful day of the Lord arrives. His preaching will turn the hearts of fathers to their children, and the hearts of children to their fathers…” (Malachi 4:5-6 NLT)
According to studies, only 46% of young adult children who don’t feel close to their fathers maintain the same faith as their parents. This is compared to 71% of children who do maintain the same faith when they do feel close to their fathers. (Involved moms only account for a 1% difference. But this can be due to a dearth of involved fathers, as mothers more often than not, stay in the picture.)
That’s a 25% difference! This means we need more fathers to be invested in their child’s faith. More fathers present in their child’s life.
Because the truth is that we don’t have that much time.
As we shared previously in Time’s A-Wastin’, time is a gift.
There are roughly 939 weeks in a child’s life between the day they are born and the day they turn 18. To illustrate this in more tangible ways, each marble represents each week. And each week, a marble gets taken out, until the last one is plucked at the age of 18.
We only have this short amount of time to instill in our children the ways of God.
Our goal as parents is to prepare our children to obey and serve God. We only have so much time to equip and instill in them this dream.
In a painting by Penny Dowie, “The Foreshadowing of the Cross,” we see young Jesus carrying wood as a carpenter, creating a shadow in the shape of the cross. As Pastor Bryan’s ruminated on this illustration, he wrote a prayer interpreting Jesus’ last thoughts as He carried the cross:
“Father, I can’t help but think of dad, my dad Joseph. I see now why you had me raised by him. Father, I worked so hard with wood all my life, I get it now, you wanted me familiar with this, this wooden beam. I remember carrying wooden beams to my dad for all his projects. Thank you for my dad, I see now how you have prepared me through him for this day. Father, today, I get to carry one more, this last one, for you, Abba Father.”
May this be the prayer of our children. As we teach, instruct and train them in the way of Christ.
You can listen to the sermon Godly Parenting, Pt. 1 from the Ephesians series that inspired this post here.
All images and materials are copyright protected and are the property of EKKO Church unless otherwise noted and credited to their maker. Please do not copy or distribute without permission.
Bubbles & Breastplates (Isaac Chong)
Grounded & Girded (Janette Ok)
Coping Relationships and Coping Habits // May
This is Part II of Dr. Jessica’s training:
Unhealthy relationships and unhealthy coping make it difficult to build flourishing relationships with God and community. When we are in pain, we naturally cope. Some of these behaviors are healthy as they help us face and overcome the problem. Other coping behaviors are unhealthy because it avoids the pain and is self-destructive. What are some of the ways we cope?
The 4 C’s: A Review from Orthopraxis
- Compulsion: Doing things that are contrary to what you believe compelled by the distress of the conflict (i.e. Abraham called to a new land, but flees to Egypt and leaves the area God told him to stay in.)
- Coping via using substances, people, items: Not solving the personal and interpersonal distress, does not focus on the conflict itself, but brings temporary physical or emotional relief without God.
- Control: Influencing people and circumstances out of fear to avoid consequences of the conflict.
- Compensate: Portraying an image of what you are not in order to cover up your personal conflict.
Types of Coping Relationships
- Coping Parent/Child Relationship
Parent, Adult, Child (PAC) Review
Friendship is the goal for adults
(0-12 authority figure, 12-18 coach, 18+ friend/mentor)
Parent idolatry/Child idolatry.- Differentiate between healthy and negative parent/child perspectives
- The need to readjust perspectives of parents as we age.
- Coping Dating or Marriage Relationship
- Relational Isolation
- Rebellious Relationship
Remedy for Coping Relationships
- Free parents of their mistakes from the past.
- See who parents are today rather than through lens of pain.
- Seek an adult to adult relationship with parent rather than “you owe me” relationship.
- Look to God for unconditional love rather than parents.
- When dealing with rebellious individuals, realize it’s not you they hate. They are reacting to their pain.
- Practice self-care and connect with regional leaders.
- When people challenge you or rebel or bash your leadership, don’t take it personally. They are trying to fix their own pain by fixing you.
- Choose to counsel members, pray for them, and cover their sins.
- Say what is kind, what is necessary, what is true when guiding people out of coping.
- When you are ministering to someone that is coping, you never deal with the habit. The crucial question you have to ask them is “What is your pain?”
- Share testimonies that relate to their pain.
- Lead them to experience God in their pain. Tell them how God would react to their pain. How God can relate to their pain.
- Encourage them to share with you but don’t stop at empathy. But bring out your testimony. The greatest spiritual strength you can offer is through your testimony, how God helped you overcome your pain.
- Pray for testimonies in your life. Pray for breakthrough, miraculous stories, answered prayers in your life. Pray for stories of how God overcame pain in your life.
- Intercede for each member of your Ekklesia.
- Provide faith challenges to your members.
- Practice drawing prayer for each member.
- Think of a name of God that each member needs to encounter.
- Ask God for dreams for people’s lives.
- Contend in prayer for members and their breakthrough.
Godly Parenting, Pt. II
Godly Parenting, Pt. 1
31 Prayers for Parents
Often times, we want to pray for our children but we don’t know for what or how. We curated, adapted and wrote 31 prayers with topics ranging from general blessings for our child, for joy and for integrity, and for ourselves as parents.
Please download the PDF version of the prayers here.
(Or you can find the simple text copy of the prayers below.)
We hope this encourages and provides a springboard to begin interceding and covering our children for the years to come.
Let’s pray.
Prayers of Blessing:
Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be Your name.
Your Kingdom come,
Your will be done,
on earth as in heaven
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins,
as we forgive those who sin against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom,
the power and the glory are Yours.
Now and forever.
Amen.
The Lord’s Prayer
—
Child, may you keep company with Jesus all the days of your life.
In Him, may your heart be free and your spirit lifted, so that you can bear the heavy burdens of those hurting around you and in our world.
May the lost find their way back home to Jesus through your grace-filled life.
Amen.
EKKO Church
—
Child, God is here to bless you. And blessed are you, beyond telling. Grow gently, in the love of God.
We pray Christ be near you, now and each hour of your life.
Amen.
Pastor Bryan
—
Child, may you be strong and rooted, and yet meek and playful. May you be righteous and holy; teachable and humble, blanketed in the grace of God.
May You experience God’s love so much so that it spills generously to those around you.
EKKO Church
Prayers of Identity in Christ:
Our God knit you together in the womb. Your heart of hearts, the desires of your soul. Your dreams and passions, the bend in your elbow, your curious eyes, your bright smile — He created every inch of you.
Our Heavenly Father, made you fearfully and wonderfully.
And before your very body was formed, He saw you. He still sees you. He wrote each day of your life before the first page was ever turned.
From the very beginning, He has put purpose in you. Nothing was by accident.
So, child, may you feel the freedom to explore. The courage to take risks. The passion to discover your own sense of self and calling in the time God has allotted for you. The understanding that you are enough, and He is enough for you. We as your parents, are walking beside you. May you sense the comfort of God doing so as well.
Prayer adapted from Psalm 139:13-16 by EKKO Church
—
My child, may you spend your days rooted in self-respect and worth, may you never find the need to compete or compare, instead may your life be spent on helping those who do not realize their worth and beauty in the sight of God. I pray that you realize at an early age how blessed you are for having parents who love you and love God. May that bring you a sense of identity, security and hope.
Pastor Bryan
—
“And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions.” – Joel 2:28
This is my prayer for you. That you will be filled with the Holy Spirit.
That you will prophesy to the nations and bring knowledge of God to your world. That you will be granted vision, a purpose from God because you have shown yourself trustworthy through years of discipline, character, by listening to your parents and being a good sister, brother. I pray that you will find your calling early and that years won’t be wasted looking for an identity, but knowing who you are in Christ, you will join the Spirit in his work.
Pastor Bryan
—
Child, may your heart bend toward Christ.
May your spirit grow curious and hungry for God.
May you find yourself a well worn spot in His presence, near His throne, by His heart.
Amen.
EKKO Church
—
My dear child, I pray you come to hear and recognize the voice of our Great Shepherd. It is He who leads us by still waters, to deep and refreshing wells, into green and open fields.
Be still and listen for His voice.
May you seek Him and find.
Amen.
EKKO Church
—
May you come to know the big, big love of God that is more than enough for you.
EKKO Church
Prayers for purpose:
“Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.”
1 Thessalonians 4: 11-12
—
Child, I pray that you learn how to put to use the strengths and talents God has gifted you. I pray that you discover your talents. That you will be given the grace to mature in every skill God has given to you. That you will use them all for the Glory of God and for the relieving of pain for those who are hurting in your world and time. And I pray that your skills will bring you before kings, before influencers, so as to influence them towards the will of Christ.
Pastor Bryan
—
Child, you have been placed on this earth, during this time, into our family for a purpose: to enjoy God and to reflect His love and goodness in all that you are.
May your life be a gospel song.
May the nations be blessed by you.
May your life glorify our Good Father by bringing peace and relief to this world.
EKKO Church
Prayers for Friendships:
“A friend loves at all times…”
May God bless you with great friends throughout your life. May you experience true and deep friendship with godly men and women. May you and your friends be warm allies to those who are lonely, isolated, bullied… bringing light in their dark worlds. May the friends that you have and the friendship you offer be rooted in the love and friendship we find in Jesus, for He is our “friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (See, Proverbs 17:17, 18: 24)
Pastor Bryan
—
My child, may God teach you to be kind as He is kind. Kind to those who may be unkind to you. Compassionate to those who are hurting. To be a friend who is generous in word and deed. To be a friend to the lonely.
And may you find friends for the journey. May God bless you with friends who can cover you and care for you, as you will do for others. As Christ has done to you.
Be clothed with compassion, kindness, gentleness and patience (Colossians 3:12)
EKKO Church
Prayers for Faith:
Child, we are called to live by faith and not by sight. May you grow in faith. May you be given the gift of faith, believing in God, His promises, and in His Son. May you also believe in His creation, His people. May you believe in people, giving them the benefit of the doubt. I pray that you will become a great servant-leader because you see in them what God sees in them. You will call many to the best version of themselves for the glory of God. You will live by faith, you will live by faith.
(See, Hebrews 11: 1, 2 Corinthians 5: 7)
Pastor Bryan
—
“But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by His grace, we might become heirs having the Hope of eternal life.”
Titus 3:4-7
Prayers for Character:
My child, I pray that you grow with integrity and with honor. May you never be swayed by fear of circumstances or fear of man. May your hope be in God, so that you can walk secure.
My child, may you find security in God and in Him alone.
As Psalm 25:21 says, “May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope, Lord, is in You.”
EKKO Church
Prayers for Joy:
Child, the joy of the Lord is on you. May your life point to the peace we find in God. That in Christ you can always say, “it is well with my soul”. Because God is your joy and delight, you will be able to carry other people’s burdens. Because of the confidence you will have in Christ you will be able to be concerned for others. As scripture teaches, you’ll be able to mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who are rejoicing.
I pray this prayer, that “…the joy of the Lord (will be) your strength.” – Neh. 8:10
Pastor Bryan
—
May you experience a joy-filled life that is only had when we practice Jesus’ ways. Live a life full of hope and contagious joy that invites others into this dance with God. Be marked by joy that is rooted in the unchangeable truth and freedom we find in Jesus Christ.
May your joy be shared freely, often, and generously.
EKKO Church
—
Child, I pray you walk closely with God as He shows you the way of life. May your joy, your smile, your quiet strength attract many to the source of life in Jesus.
Pastor Bryan
Prayers for Peace:
Child, may you live each day in the peace of Christ. May you be at rest, knowing that God has it all in His hands. Know that His grace is always enough. He is good. He is always working things out for good.
EKKO Church
—
God our Father, you see your children growing up in an unsteady and confusing world: Show them that your ways give more life than the ways of the world, and that following you is better than chasing after selfish goals. Help them to take failure, not as a measure of their worth, but as a chance for a new start. Give them strength to hold their faith in you, and to keep alive their joy in your creation, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
Adapted from The Book of Common Prayer
—
As Psalm 23 says, may the Lord be your shepherd and your guide. Day by day you have everything you need in Him. He will lead you to still waters and lead you even in the darkest of times. You do not need to fear for the Lord is always with you and He will comfort you. May the peace of our Father be with you in all circumstances. Follow Him and His goodness, and mercy and love will follow you every day of your life.
Caroline Pae EKKO Kids Director
Prayers for Wisdom
Job says, “But true wisdom and power are found in God; counsel and understanding are his.”
May you grow in wisdom. May you be wise yet accessible and approachable… wise yet humble. So when people get to know you, they will ultimately be glad for they will have found wisdom… and by wisdom, I mean, a revelation of and from God. May your wisdom be rooted in the Word of God and cause many to seek and find Jesus. May your wise living inspire many to live wisely. (See, Job 12: 13)
Pastor Bryan
Prayers for the Parents:
Our heavenly Father, You set the lonely in families.
We ask for Your continual care over our family. Put far from us, every root of bitterness, arrogance, and the pride of life. Fill us instead with faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness. Knit us together in constant affection. Turn our hearts as parents to the children, and turn our children’s hearts to us. Kindle in us charity among us all, that we may evermore be kindly compassionate to one another; through Christ Jesus. Amen.
Adapted from The Book of Common Prayer
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Almighty God, You have blessed us with the joy and care of children: Give us calm strength and patient wisdom as we bring them up, that we may teach them to love whatever is just and true and good, following the example of Jesus Christ.
The Book of Common Prayer
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Lord, when we take stock of the family that you chose to be born into, it sets our hearts at rest. We realize that you are not looking for perfect people to become a part of your own family. Instead, you are populating your family, your church, with imperfect but repentant people, flagrant but forgiven sinners. When our children sin in outrageous ways, when they act in ways that dishonor you, help us to remember that you still choose to dwell among your people, though we are unworthy of you. Thank you for making us worthy by joining us with Christ.
Nancy Guthrie
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Heavenly Father, I have not grown beyond my need for your loving discipline. In fact, it is amazing to me that you can use even the challenges of parenting to mold me. Parenting has a way of exposing my idols and bringing to the surface the areas in which there is a need for a harvest of right living, so keep loving me by disciplining me in the way that only you can.
Nancy Guthrie
—
Father, help us to seek you and your purposes above any other pursuit in life. Keep us focused on the eternal and not on the things of this world. May we be able to set examples for our children through our daily actions and priorities. Help us to trust and fully cling to you so our children will place their confidence in you as well.
Lord, help us to parent with mercy and grace, patience and kindness. Help us to remember that we are tools of your rescue and transformation and that we alone cannot change their behavior. May we be parents that point our kids to Jesus every day through our words and actions.
Jessica Lee, EKKO Kids
Benediction Prayer
“May the Lord bless you; may He cause you to prosper richly in every good spiritual gift there is in Christ Jesus. May He watch over, guard and protect you and all whom you love. May His countenance be upon you, His face be turned toward you such that you would see in Jesus how very much He loves you, accepts you right where you are, and invites you to follow Him. May He be gracious unto you, may you sense His favor, mercy and goodness as you walk with Him. May the Lord grant you peace; May you be at rest and centered in Jesus, who is our Lord, and through whom we ask all these things… and may Christ be victorious in you.”
Benediction adapted from Bishop Todd Hunter of the Anglican Church