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Coping Relationships and Coping Habits // May

This is Part II of Dr. Jessica’s training:

Unhealthy relationships and unhealthy coping make it difficult to build flourishing relationships with God and community. When we are in pain, we naturally cope. Some of these behaviors are healthy as they help us face and overcome the problem. Other coping behaviors are unhealthy because it avoids the pain and is self-destructive. What are some of the ways we cope?

The 4 C’s: A Review from Orthopraxis

  1. Compulsion: Doing things that are contrary to what you believe compelled by the distress of the conflict (i.e. Abraham called to a new land, but flees to Egypt and leaves the area God told him to stay in.)
  2. Coping via using substances, people, items: Not solving the personal and interpersonal distress, does not focus on the conflict itself, but brings temporary physical or emotional relief without God. 
  3. Control: Influencing people and circumstances out of fear to avoid consequences of the conflict.
  4. Compensate: Portraying an image of what you are not in order to cover up your personal conflict.

Types of Coping Relationships

  1. Coping Parent/Child Relationship
    Parent, Adult, Child (PAC) Review
    Friendship is the goal for adults
    (0-12 authority figure, 12-18 coach, 18+ friend/mentor)

    Parent idolatry/Child idolatry.
    • Differentiate between healthy and negative parent/child perspectives
    • The need to readjust perspectives of parents as we age. 
  2. Coping Dating or Marriage Relationship
  3. Relational Isolation
  4. Rebellious Relationship

Remedy for Coping Relationships

  • Free parents of their mistakes from the past. 
  • See who parents are today rather than through lens of pain. 
  • Seek an adult to adult relationship with parent rather than “you owe me” relationship. 
  • Look to God for unconditional love rather than parents. 
  • When dealing with rebellious individuals, realize it’s not you they hate. They are reacting to their pain. 
  • Practice self-care and connect with regional leaders.
  • When people challenge you or rebel or bash your leadership, don’t take it personally. They are trying to fix their own pain by fixing you. 
  • Choose to counsel members, pray for them, and cover their sins. 
  • Say what is kind, what is necessary, what is true when guiding people out of coping. 
  • When you are ministering to someone that is coping, you never deal with the habit. The crucial question you have to ask them is “What is your pain?”
  • Share testimonies that relate to their pain. 
  • Lead them to experience God in their pain. Tell them how God would react to their pain. How God can relate to their pain. 
  • Encourage them to share with you but don’t stop at empathy. But bring out your testimony. The greatest spiritual strength you can offer is through your testimony, how God helped you overcome your pain. 
  • Pray for testimonies in your life. Pray for breakthrough, miraculous stories, answered prayers in your life. Pray for stories of how God overcame pain in your life.
  • Intercede for each member of your Ekklesia. 
  • Provide faith challenges to your members. 
  • Practice drawing prayer for each member.
  • Think of a name of God that each member needs to encounter.
  • Ask God for dreams for people’s lives. 
  • Contend in prayer for members and their breakthrough.
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31 Prayers for Parents

Often times, we want to pray for our children but we don’t know for what or how. We curated, adapted and wrote 31 prayers with topics ranging from general blessings for our child, for joy and for integrity, and for ourselves as parents.

Please download the PDF version of the prayers here.

(Or you can find the simple text copy of the prayers below.)

We hope this encourages and provides a springboard to begin interceding and covering our children for the years to come.

Let’s pray.

Prayers of Blessing: 

Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be Your name.
Your Kingdom come, 
Your will be done, 
on earth as in heaven
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins,
as we forgive those who sin against us. 
Lead us not into temptation, 
but deliver us from evil. 
For the kingdom, 
the power and the glory are Yours. 
Now and forever.

Amen.

The Lord’s Prayer 

—

Child, may you keep company with Jesus all the days of your life.

In Him, may your heart be free and your spirit lifted, so that you can bear the heavy burdens of those hurting around you and in our world.

May the lost find their way back home to Jesus through your grace-filled life. 

Amen. 

EKKO Church

—

Child, God is here to bless you. And blessed are you, beyond telling. Grow gently, in the love of God. 

We pray Christ be near you, now and each hour of your life.

Amen.

Pastor Bryan

—

Child, may you be strong and rooted, and yet meek and playful. May you be righteous and holy; teachable and humble, blanketed in the grace of God. 

May You experience God’s love so much so that it spills generously to those around you.

EKKO Church

Prayers of Identity in Christ: 

Our God knit you together in the womb. Your heart of hearts, the desires of your soul. Your dreams and passions, the bend in your elbow, your curious eyes, your bright smile — He created every inch of you. 

Our Heavenly Father, made you fearfully and wonderfully.

And before your very body was formed, He saw you. He still sees you. He wrote each day of your life before the first page was ever turned. 

From the very beginning, He has put purpose in you. Nothing was by accident. 

So, child, may you feel the freedom to explore. The courage to take risks. The passion to discover your own sense of self and calling in the time God has allotted for you. The understanding that you are enough, and He is enough for you. We as your parents, are walking beside you. May you sense the comfort of God doing so as well. 

Prayer adapted from Psalm 139:13-16 by EKKO Church 

—

My child, may you spend your days rooted in self-respect and worth, may you never find the need to compete or compare, instead may your life be spent on helping those who do not realize their worth and beauty in the sight of God. I pray that you realize at an early age how blessed you are for having parents who love you and love God. May that bring you a sense of identity, security and hope.

Pastor Bryan 

—

“And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions.” – Joel 2:28

This is my prayer for you. That you will be filled with the Holy Spirit. 

That you will prophesy to the nations and bring knowledge of God to your world. That you will be granted vision, a purpose from God because you have shown yourself trustworthy through years of discipline, character, by listening to your parents and being a good sister, brother. I pray that you will find your calling early and that years won’t be wasted looking for an identity, but knowing who you are in Christ, you will join the Spirit in his work. 

Pastor Bryan 

—

Child, may your heart bend toward Christ. 

May your spirit grow curious and hungry for God. 

May you find yourself a well worn spot in His presence, near His throne, by His heart. 

Amen. 

EKKO Church 

—

My dear child, I pray you come to hear and recognize the voice of our Great Shepherd. It is He who leads us by still waters, to deep and refreshing wells, into green and open fields.

Be still and listen for His voice. 

May you seek Him and find. 

Amen. 

EKKO Church 

—

May you come to know the big, big love of God that is more than enough for you. 

EKKO Church

Prayers for purpose: 

“Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.”

1 Thessalonians 4: 11-12

—

Child, I pray that you learn how to put to use the strengths and talents God has gifted you. I pray that you discover your talents. That you will be given the grace to mature in every skill God has given to you. That you will use them all for the Glory of God and for the relieving of pain for those who are hurting in your world and time. And I pray that your skills will bring you before kings, before influencers, so as to influence them towards the will of Christ.

Pastor Bryan 

—

Child, you have been placed on this earth, during this time, into our family for a purpose: to enjoy God and to reflect His love and goodness in all that you are.

May your life be a gospel song. 

May the nations be blessed by you. 

May your life glorify our Good Father by bringing peace and relief to this world. 

EKKO Church 

Prayers for Friendships: 

“A friend loves at all times…” 

May God bless you with great friends throughout your life. May you experience true and deep friendship with godly men and women. May you and your friends be warm allies to those who are lonely, isolated, bullied… bringing light in their dark worlds. May the friends that you have and the friendship you offer be rooted in the love and friendship we find in Jesus, for He is our “friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (See, Proverbs 17:17, 18: 24)

Pastor Bryan 

—

My child, may God teach you to be kind as He is kind. Kind to those who may be unkind to you. Compassionate to those who are hurting. To be a friend who is generous in word and deed. To be a friend to the lonely.

And may you find friends for the journey. May God bless you with friends who can cover you and care for you, as you will do for others. As Christ has done to you. 

Be clothed with compassion, kindness, gentleness and patience (Colossians 3:12) 

EKKO Church 

Prayers for Faith:  

Child, we are called to live by faith and not by sight. May you grow in faith. May you be given the gift of faith, believing in God, His promises, and in His Son. May you also believe in His creation, His people. May you believe in people, giving them the benefit of the doubt. I pray that you will become a great servant-leader because you see in them what God sees in them. You will call many to the best version of themselves for the glory of God. You will live by faith, you will live by faith. 

(See, Hebrews 11: 1, 2 Corinthians 5: 7)

Pastor Bryan 

—

“But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by His grace, we might become heirs having the Hope of eternal life.” 

Titus 3:4-7

Prayers for Character: 

My child, I pray that you grow with integrity and with honor. May you never be swayed by fear of circumstances or fear of man. May your hope be in God, so that you can walk secure. 

My child, may you find security in God and in Him alone. 

As Psalm 25:21 says, “May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope, Lord, is in You.”  

EKKO Church 

Prayers for Joy: 

Child, the joy of the Lord is on you. May your life point to the peace we find in God. That in Christ you can always say, “it is well with my soul”.  Because God is your joy and delight, you will be able to carry other people’s burdens. Because of the confidence you will have in Christ you will be able to be concerned for others. As scripture teaches, you’ll be able to mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who are rejoicing. 

I pray this prayer, that “…the joy of the Lord (will be) your strength.” – Neh. 8:10

Pastor Bryan 

—

May you experience a joy-filled life that is only had when we practice Jesus’ ways. Live a life full of hope and contagious joy that invites others into this dance with God. Be marked by joy that is rooted in the unchangeable truth and freedom we find in Jesus Christ. 

May your joy be shared freely, often, and generously.

EKKO Church 

—

Child, I pray you walk closely with God as He shows you the way of life. May your joy, your smile, your quiet strength attract many to the source of life in Jesus. 

Pastor Bryan 

Prayers for Peace: 

Child, may you live each day in the peace of Christ. May you be at rest, knowing that God has it all in His hands. Know that His grace is always enough. He is good. He is always working things out for good.  

EKKO Church 

—

God our Father, you see your children growing up in an unsteady and confusing world: Show them that your ways give more life than the ways of the world, and that following you is better than chasing after selfish goals. Help them to take failure, not as a measure of their worth, but as a chance for a new start. Give them strength to hold their faith in you, and to keep alive their joy in your creation, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. 

Adapted from The Book of Common Prayer

—

As Psalm 23 says, may the Lord be your shepherd and your guide. Day by day you have everything you need in Him. He will lead you to still waters and lead you even in the darkest of times. You do not need to fear for the Lord is always with you and He will comfort you. May the peace of our Father be with you in all circumstances. Follow Him and His goodness, and mercy and love will follow you every day of your life. 

Caroline Pae EKKO Kids Director 

Prayers for Wisdom 

Job says, “But true wisdom and power are found in God; counsel and understanding are his.” 

May you grow in wisdom. May you be wise yet accessible and approachable… wise yet humble. So when people get to know you, they will ultimately be glad for they will have found wisdom… and by wisdom, I mean, a revelation of and from God. May your wisdom be rooted in the Word of God and cause many to seek and find Jesus. May your wise living inspire many to live wisely. (See, Job 12: 13)

Pastor Bryan 

Prayers for the Parents: 

Our heavenly Father, You set the lonely in families. 

We ask for Your continual care over our family. Put far from us, every root of bitterness, arrogance, and the pride of life. Fill us instead with faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness. Knit us together in constant affection. Turn our hearts as parents to the children, and turn our children’s hearts to us. Kindle in us charity among us all, that we may evermore be kindly compassionate to one another; through Christ Jesus. Amen. 

Adapted from The Book of Common Prayer 

—

Almighty God, You have blessed us with the joy and care of children: Give us calm strength and patient wisdom as we bring them up, that we may teach them to love whatever is just and true and good, following the example of Jesus Christ. 

The Book of Common Prayer

—

Lord, when we take stock of the family that you chose to be born into, it sets our hearts at rest. We realize that you are not looking for perfect people to become a part of your own family. Instead, you are populating your family, your church, with imperfect but repentant people, flagrant but forgiven sinners. When our children sin in outrageous ways, when they act in ways that dishonor you, help us to remember that you still choose to dwell among your people, though we are unworthy of you. Thank you for making us worthy by joining us with Christ. 

Nancy Guthrie 

—

Heavenly Father, I have not grown beyond my need for your loving discipline. In fact, it is amazing to me that you can use even the challenges of parenting to mold me. Parenting has a way of exposing my idols and bringing to the surface the areas in which there is a need for a harvest of right living, so keep loving me by disciplining me in the way that only you can. 

Nancy Guthrie 

—

Father, help us to seek you and your purposes above any other pursuit in life. Keep us focused on the eternal and not on the things of this world. May we be able to set examples for our children through our daily actions and priorities. Help us to trust and fully cling to you so our children will place their confidence in you as well. 

Lord, help us to parent with mercy and grace, patience and kindness. Help us to remember that we are tools of your rescue and transformation and that we alone cannot change their behavior. May we be parents that point our kids to Jesus every day through our words and actions.

Jessica Lee, EKKO Kids 

 Benediction Prayer

“May the Lord bless you; may He cause you to prosper richly in every good spiritual gift there is in Christ Jesus. May He watch over, guard and protect you and all whom you love. May His countenance be upon you, His face be turned toward you such that you would see in Jesus how very much He loves you, accepts you right where you are, and invites you to follow Him. May He be gracious unto you, may you sense His favor, mercy and goodness as you walk with Him. May the Lord grant you peace; May you be at rest and centered in Jesus, who is our Lord, and through whom we ask all these things… and may Christ be victorious in you.” 

Benediction adapted from Bishop Todd Hunter of the Anglican Church 

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Becoming and Staying One, Pt. III

When we are united, marriage has the potential to preach and plant the seeds of the gospel in the world. But the problem is we often dissolve unity due to a lack of love and a lack of respect.

So how do we stay unified?

Paul writes to the church of Ephesus, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ… each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband.”

Respect is often communicated in our tone and the way we talk to our spouse. We can disrespect our spouses with criticism and contempt.

Criticism attacks your spouse’s character and assumes the worst of the person.

Examples of criticism (adapted from Dr. John Gottman):

  • “You’re always talking about yourself! You never care about what I have to say!”
    This communicates: “You’re narcissistic, a bad wife/husband. You are not caring.”
  • “You said you’d wash the dishes, but there’s still a pile in the sink. You never do what you say you will.”
    This communicates: “You are lazy, You are irresponsible.”
  • “Come on, we’re going to be late! Are you just being slow on purpose?”
    This says, “This act or misbehavior shows that your intentions are bad, hence you are not loving, thoughtful…”

Criticism is the leap from observation to judgment about the person.

Criticism makes the person defend their character and intentions.

The other way we disrespect our spouses and cause disunity is through contempt. (According to Dr. Gottman, the presence of contempt is the top indicator that a marriage is heading toward disaster)

Contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over your spouse.

Examples of contempt (adapted from Dr. John Gottman):

  • “Look, I learned how to tell time when I was five years old. When are you ever gonna learn?”
    This communicates, “You are frustrating and stupid.”
  • “We haven’t had sex in months. What, are you too busy flirting with that guy at work? Why don’t you just marry him instead?”
    What this actually says, “You are unloving, maybe unfaithful, you have that potential more than I do, you should be ashamed of yourself. I love better than you. I am too good for you.”
  • “You’re ‘tired?’ Cry me a river. I’ve been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic video games. I don’t have time to deal with another kid. Could you be any more pathetic?”
    What this says, “You are lazy and definitely not as diligent as me. You don’t deserve rest as I do, I am a harder worker, a better parent, than you. And my work is more important than yours.
    This act or misbehavior shows that I am better than you, smarter than you, more skilled than you.”

A contemptuous spirit communicates: “Why aren’t you as good as me? Don’t I deserve better?”

Contempt makes the person defend their worth and value.

“We have grown so used to each other that some think they are free to say anything… at any time. They expect others to bear with their unkindness. Why not first try to hold your tongue? You know what you can do, but you do not know how much the other can bear.”
— Mother Teresa

How do we start talking with loving compassion and respect? We can take a page from the sisters at the Mount St. Scholastica:

Before you open your mouth to speak, ask yourself:

  1. Is it True? (Facts, truth and what is observed. Leave out assumptions or interpretations)
  2. Is it Kind? (How is your tone, attitude and posture? Is it kind and healing?)
  3. Is it Necessary? (Say only what helps. Let everything you say be good and helpful – Eph. 4:29)

The question we might be asking is, “Why does all of this matter anyway?” Why does unity in our marriages matter? Why should we treat our spouses with respect and with love?

Because this was God’s dream from the beginning.

Redemption isn’t just about our salvation, but about God getting what He has always wanted: His creation to become whole.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth.

“And God saw that it was good.”

— Genesis 1

What was good? God created by separating and joining back together. Light and darkness, land and water, man and woman. Two opposites being united in Him, for Him.

Creation’s unity in Him, for Him.

In separation, there is formation; in unity, we fulfill our purpose and bring glory to God.

But sin fractured creation and separated us from God and from each other.

It is only in and through Christ that we are united again and are able to give God His dream of a whole and united creation.

Because… In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.”

– Ephesians 1:7-10 ESV

Hence, unity in marriage is giving God what He always wanted from the beginning. Something we couldn’t do until we lived into the redemption given to us by Jesus.

It is with this backdrop Paul uses unity as a signpost to the new creation in God through Christ! He is basically saying, “Creation, it’s happening again! And Christ is the glue that will help us stay together for the glory of God!” 

A unified marriage is a signpost to the renewal of all things.

“Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.” – Ephesians 4:3

You can listen to the sermon Becoming and Staying One Pt. III from the Ephesians series that inspired this post here.

All images and materials are copyright protected and are the property of EKKO Church unless otherwise noted and credited to their maker. Please do not copy or distribute without permission.

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Becoming and Staying One, Pt. II

(You can find Part I to this series, here.)

Apostle Paul writes in Ephesians 4:3, “Make every effort to keep yourselves unified in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.”

When we are united, marriage has the potential to preach and plant seeds of the gospel in the world.

The world will know that we are Christ followers by the way we are unified in our marriages and by our love for one another. This is the greatest gift that we can offer our children.

So why is it so hard to stay unified?

The problem is: Unity in marriage is jeopardized by a lack of respect and a lack of love.

In the first part of this mini-series, we delved into submission.

The second way we stay unified is to love one another.

So what is love?

And how do we love?

“Love is patient and kind…”

— 1 Corinthians 13:4

Patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

Apostle Paul says it like this: “Love… is not easily angered.”

How do you know if you are loving to your spouse? You can ask yourself, “How easily do I get annoyed and angered by my spouse?”

Love is willfully tolerating and enduring (and overlooking) your spouse’s annoying attributes or mistakes.

Love is the practice of long-suffering.

— Pastor Bryan

In a painting by Stanley Spencer, we see the image of Christ holding scorpions in His hands. We are reminded when we look at this painting of Christ, of His swollen hand and of His compassionate eyes. Even when stung, He doesn’t pull back. He doesn’t withhold His presence.

He still offers His embrace.

“Christ in the Wilderness” Stanley Spencer

This is the model of love that we can follow.

Love never says, “I give up. You’re hopeless.”

Because, love never gives up.

Instead, love says, “Let’s try that again.”

But this is often harder said than done. We often get impatient because we keep records of wrongs. We have a habit of holding onto mistakes, sins or shortcomings – especially those of our spouse – and hold it against them.

“Love… it keeps no record of wrongs.”

— 1 Corinthians 13:5

How do we know we keep records of wrongs? We often say things like:

  • “You always…”
  • “You never…”
  • “How come every time…”
  • “When will you stop…”
  • “I’m so tired of your….”

But love is having a bad memory of your partner’s mistakes.

Love is being patient like God, who doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve.

“God is sheer mercy and grace; not easily angered, he’s rich in love. He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold, nor hold grudges forever. He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve, nor pay us back in full for our wrongs. As high as heaven is over the earth, so strong is his love to those who fear him. And as far as sunrise is from sunset, he has separated us from our sins.” (Psalm 103:8-12 MSG)

Our spouses need us to be like artists, not accountants.

Artists help to chip away at what doesn’t belong, to allow the real you emerge. They edit and edify you.

Accountants are critical. They catch errors and expose. They correct.

Love is being like an artist.

Unity is an art, not a science.

Love, “puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.”

— 1 Corinthians 13:7 MSG

The world’s most famous statue was made from a rejected block of marble.

It was first commissioned in 1464. The first artist abandoned the project. In 1476 another artist was hired to take over the project. But he backed out of the project due to him deeming the marble to be of poor quality! It wasn’t until 1501, a young 26-year-old sculptor was hired to do something with the marble.

“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”

— Michelangelo

Michelangelo saw the treasure, David, in the poor quality marble and set it free.

Marriage is like this: It’s seeing the treasure in the person.

David in the Galleria dell’Accademia | Photo: Uffizi.org

Love is practicing the art of patience towards your spouse, chipping away at all that does not belong and helping the person emerge out of stone.

It is seeing and believing what God sees in the person and lovingly walking alongside and working with our spouse.

Homework Assignment for married couples:

When sisters at Mount St. Scholastica begin their workday together, they face the other assigned to work with them that day and bow to one another.

And then they would say, “As Jesus would want it, have patience with me.”

Every morning this week, face each other, bow and ask for patience from your spouse. 

Prayer of the week:

May I be patient, 

May I be kind, 

May I be forgetful of mistakes. 

As You have been patient with me.

As You have shown kindness to me. 

As You have forgotten my mistakes. 

May I love

As You have loved me. 

Amen. 

You can listen to the sermon Becoming and Staying One Pt. II from the Ephesians series that inspired this post here.

All images and materials are copyright protected and are the property of EKKO Church unless otherwise noted and credited to their maker. Please do not copy or distribute without permission.