Coping Relationships and Coping Habits // May

This is Part II of Dr. Jessica’s training:

Unhealthy relationships and unhealthy coping make it difficult to build flourishing relationships with God and community. When we are in pain, we naturally cope. Some of these behaviors are healthy as they help us face and overcome the problem. Other coping behaviors are unhealthy because it avoids the pain and is self-destructive. What are some of the ways we cope?

The 4 C’s: A Review from Orthopraxis

1. Compulsion: Doing things that are contrary to what you believe compelled by the distress of the conflict (i.e. Abraham called to a new land, but flees to Egypt and leaves the area God told him to stay in.)
2. Coping via using substances, people, items: Not solving the personal and interpersonal distress, does not focus on the conflict itself, but brings temporary physical or emotional relief without God. 
3. Control: Influencing people and circumstances out of fear to avoid consequences of the conflict.
4. Compensate: Portraying an image of what you are not in order to cover up your personal conflict.

Types of Coping Relationships

1. Coping Parent/Child Relationship
   Parent, Adult, Child (PAC) Review
   Friendship is the goal for adults
   (0-12 authority figure, 12-18 coach, 18+ friend/mentor)
   
   Parent idolatry/Child idolatry.
   • Differentiate between healthy and negative parent/child perspectives
   • The need to readjust perspectives of parents as we age. 
     
2. Coping Dating or Marriage Relationship
3. Relational Isolation
4. Rebellious Relationship

Remedy for Coping Relationships

• Free parents of their mistakes from the past. 
• See who parents are today rather than through lens of pain. 
• Seek an adult to adult relationship with parent rather than “you owe me” relationship. 
• Look to God for unconditional love rather than parents. 
  
• When dealing with rebellious individuals, realize it’s not you they hate. They are reacting to their pain. 
• Practice self-care and connect with regional leaders.
• When people challenge you or rebel or bash your leadership, don’t take it personally. They are trying to fix their own pain by fixing you. 
• Choose to counsel members, pray for them, and cover their sins. 
• Say what is kind, what is necessary, what is true when guiding people out of coping. 
• When you are ministering to someone that is coping, you never deal with the habit. The crucial question you have to ask them is “What is your pain?”
• Share testimonies that relate to their pain. 
• Lead them to experience God in their pain. Tell them how God would react to their pain. How God can relate to their pain. 
• Encourage them to share with you but don’t stop at empathy. But bring out your testimony. The greatest spiritual strength you can offer is through your testimony, how God helped you overcome your pain. 
• Pray for testimonies in your life. Pray for breakthrough, miraculous stories, answered prayers in your life. Pray for stories of how God overcame pain in your life.
• Intercede for each member of your Ekklesia. 
• Provide faith challenges to your members. 
• Practice drawing prayer for each member.
• Think of a name of God that each member needs to encounter.
• Ask God for dreams for people’s lives. 
• Contend in prayer for members and their breakthrough.