We’re Dating, Now What? Pt. I

Therapists often tell Pastor Bryan:

“Pastor Bryan, I wish couples would go through counseling before they get engaged. Often by the time they get to me they have grossly overestimated their ability to build a good foundation for marriage. And they often get married due to the wedding ball already rolling…” 

Essentially, they are confirming what Alain De Botton says in “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person”:

“We are collectively a great deal more interested in a beautiful wedding than a tolerable marriage.”

So some wisdom to consider in this dating season from Benjamin Franklin: “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

We need to date wisely and well, in order to prepare ourselves properly for marriage.

This season, before you even meet your future spouse, should be done intentionally and well. This is the season to prepare. To “know your broken places,” and to “sow and tend” to the garden with Jesus.

In Galatians 6:7-8, it says it like this: “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.”

How do we date wisely and well?

Train Your Eyes: Train your eyes to see as Christ sees the world and His people—especially those of the opposite sex.

Because how you see matters and shapes your whole life — and it shapes how you see your partner.

“The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness.”

— Matthew 6:22-23 NIV

Jesus said this in between his statements about treasure and money. In context, He is saying, how we view money will determine how we use it and how it uses us.

But this truth can be applied to our relationships as well.

Relationships—like “money”—is a tool to bring glory to God and loving kindness to others. We are blessed with relationships to be a blessing.

Hence, we need to “see” our partners as someone we will serve God with and not someone we will “use.”

Some of the common views we see the opposite sex:

  • Men often struggle with a “commodified” view of women
  • Women often struggle with a “comfort food” view of men

Both skew our vision of seeing the Other.

Both carry the same unhealthy and selfish mantra:

“You exist to make me feel better.”

But this is contrary to the call in Ephesians. In marriage, we are called to be a blessing to our spouse. We are called to submit to the other.

When we have our eyes trained to see our partners as the potential for satisfaction, then you will have a hard time submitting and serving them.

For the men of EKKO:

In Job, it says, “I made a solemn pact with myself never to undress a girl with my eyes.”

Jessica Rey explains what happens to the brain when we lust:

“Brain scans revealed that when men are shown pictures of scantily clad women, the region of the brain associated with tools, such as screwdrivers and hammers, lit up. Some men showed zero brain activity in the medial prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that lights up when one ponders another person’s thoughts, feelings, and intentions.  Researchers found this shocking because they almost never see this part of the brain shut down in this way… ‘It’s as if they are reacting to these women as if they are not fully human. It is consistent with the idea that they are responding to these photographs as if they were responding to objects, not people.’”

Remember, we must see other people as treasures, not the potential source for satisfaction and happiness.

The second thing is to talk with your peloton.

Talk to those you respect and trust for their input, advice and opinion.

“Stupid people always think they are right. Wise people listen to advice.” (Proverbs 12:15 GNT)

But why don’t we ask?

Andy Stanley explains:

“One of the primary reasons we don’t seek counsel from the wise people around us is that we already know what we are going to hear — and we just don’t want to hear it.” 

So who are the wise people in your life?

Invite and involve them.

The wise person has not—and does not—always agree with your choices.

Ask: “Is this a wise thing to do?”

Thirdly, third-wheel with Jesus.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

— Matthew 6:33 ESV

In this season, you should be busy serving God for His kingdom.

It is your calling to cultivate your relationship with God at each step in your life.

You’re called to planting God’s kingdom here on earth. At each stage of your life, you need to learn to obey and overcome certain temptations and dig deeper to build intimacy with Him.

Pastor Bryan’s version of the Triangle of Love: The triangle is made by two ladders. And each rung represents steps of obedience.

As you climb this ladder, you learn how to serve, learn how to pray. Seek first the kingdom of God by stepping on each rung, asking God at each stage: “What garden do you want me to cultivate at this stage of my life.”

Climb this ladder. Trust that God is preparing that person for you as you seek first His kingdom.

Tend to your garden with Jesus, so that when your spouse comes into the picture, they will be the third-wheel to your relationship with God.

The opposite of this is living “parallel lives,” described by John Gottman.

Parallel living happens when you are together, but living side-by-side. This one way that we destroy a marriage: when one or the other lets go of their relationship with God in pursuit of safety or career…

There’s nothing holding you together.

So the third-wheel is not you or God… the third-wheel is your spouse.

Make the most of your singleness and give it completely to His service.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

— Ephesians 5:21

These are the years you develop and foster a reverence for God.

Pray this with us this week:

Step

By

Step 

I am listening for Your voice. 

I will go where You go. 

Step 

By 

Step

You are my first love, 

You will be my last. 

Amen.


You can listen to the sermon We’re Dating, Now What? from the Ephesians series that inspired this post here.

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