Leave and Cleave

Most people are often surprised at how hard marriage really is once they get married. Dissatisfaction or frustration arises as most people enter into covenant under-prepared and untrained.

This usually happens, because we have an unrealistic view of marriage.

Alain De Botton explains that as a society, “We are collectively a great deal more interested in a beautiful wedding than a tolerable marriage.”

We put so much effort and planning into an immaculate ceremony, but not nearly enough into the preparation of the actual marriage. So, we need to prepare ourselves properly for marriage, to possess a theological vision of it and to carefully pick a suitable partner for life.

How do we prepare for marriage? According to Ephesians 5:21-32, we have to be prepared to:

  • Submit (listen, obey and learn) to our spouse
  • Give ourselves up and make sacrifices
  • Cheer, celebrate and coach our partner’s growth in godliness
  • Help our mate accomplish their mission in Christ
  • Love our spouse like we love ourselves
  • Feed and care for our spouse
  • Leave our families and cleave to our spouse
  • Amplify the Good News through our union
  • Respect our spouses and see Jesus in and through them

Essentially, when we get ready for marriage, we must be ready to bless and give our best all the time for the rest of our lives.

What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?

— Gary Thomas

Does your spouse anger you? Annoy, frustrate, change their minds too quickly? Are they too emotional, too unemotional, too proud, too much of a victim, too touchy, not touchy enough, listens poorly, talks too much…etc?

How you respond to these “unbecoming” qualities is how you develop your love in Christ. Because marriage isn’t designed for your happiness. It’s designed to foster holiness, so you’ll always “marry the wrong person.”

Because happiness isn’t the goal, it’s the result of a godly one.

Jesus says it this way in the book of Matthew, “I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives His best – the sun to warm and the rain to nourish, to everyone, regardless: the good and the bad, the nice and the nasty.”

“Grow up. You’re kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.”

Marriage offers us the chance to grow up and love like Jesus loves. When your spouse gives you a hard time, do you respond with the energies of prayer? Do you give your best despite them being nasty—or only when they are being nice?

We need a theological vision for our marriage: There are two main visions that we have of our spouse: Toddler vs. Treasure.

Toddler love is based on what the person can do for us: How does this person make me feel. What does this person do for me.

This vision is based on a high value of self-satisfaction and generally exhibits a low tolerance for pain.

Viewing your spouse as a treasure is a love that is based on the belief that this person is a worth the risk and the pain. It’s being able to say, “Despite all the rough patches of dirt, I see treasure in you.”

So how do we cultivate this kind of heart and love for our spouses and our loved ones?

We pray.

“I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf and give thanks for them.”

— 1 Timothy 2:1 NLT


40 Prayers for my Wife and Husband

We can pray for our spouses because Christ is our inspiration and our example.

Because He first showed us how this selfless and self-sacrificing love looks on the cross: He inspires us to submit our selves to the other, to give of ourselves and make sacrifices. To cheer and celebrate our growth, to help us accomplish our mission, to love us to the point of death. To care for us, to leave Heaven for our sake. To amplify God in our union with Him and to treat us with the utmost respect.

“We love, because He first loved us.”

Pray this with us this week:

When I am blinded by the field,

Give me eyes to see the treasure. 

In those of whom I love, 

Because You first taught me how.

So I’ll find You in their faces,

I’ll look for You in the field. 

Because You are the treasure I seek.

And You are the treasure in me. 


You can listen to the sermon Leave and Cleave from the Ephesians series that inspired this post here.

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Recommended Books:

The Meaning of Marriage

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail

Sermons:

“Marriage as Ikon” from the Genesis Series

Matchmaker” from the Genesis Series